i told you i'd come back.

i wrote this in may. 
courage came in october.

it's time. 

time to talk about this. 

time to get real.

time to come forward.

one of the biggest struggles of my life

the biggest struggle of my life

has been learning to accept my body.

learning to love it and appreciate the magic

of a healthy, functioning human body.

growing up i always believed,

"i'll be happy when i'm skinny."

and looking back at pictures of myself

in high school, 

i realize i was normal.

thinner than i am now, but normal.

and i still wasn't happy.

it's taken a long time for me to be happy

with this body. 

to accept what i have 

and to love it now.

i can't wait for those twenty pounds to disappear.

i can't wait until my thighs don't touch

or my stomach doesn't fold when i sit.

HAPPINESS CANNOT WAIT. 

i held off on this confession 

because being pregnant has changed it all.

these first few months have been some of the most 

exciting and emotional of my life.

one minute i'm thrilled because

i'm growing a tiny human inside of me

and the other i'm crying because i feel bloated

and nothing fits

and i'm afraid everyone will just see me as a fat fat.

i have never had a harder time

with my body-image.

and it sounds so stupid because
i'm pregnant and this is exciting and i'm happy,

but it is so hard.

it doesn't seem real yet

and it is so easy to tear myself down.

when those moments happen,
when i'm crumpled on the bed,
sobbing because i can't find a thing to wear
and i feel the furthest thing from beautiful,

cory has to stop me.

he makes me look in his eyes and he says,

"listen. 

i think you are beautiful.

and if you don't think you are,

i need you to know and to remember that at least one of us

knows you are beautiful.

you are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

you will always be my favorite."

he is constantly thanking me for 

"sacrificing my body" 

for our little baby.

he has to keep reassuring me

he'll love me after i've given birth

and my boobs sag lower

and my never-flat stomach

gets even fluffier. 

i don't get it,

but i guess that's love. 

when i'm with him, 

i forget my insecurities.

i don't worry about my legs looking huge

when i sit in the car.

i purposefully give myself double chins

when we take pictures.

and when he smacks my butt,

i can feel the cellulite ripple

but all he can say is,

"mmm...dat ass."

i will never understand how he can take my insecurities
and make them beautiful.

but he helps me see past all of it.

he has helped me realize

there is so much more to me than my appearance.

i am more than my body.

i am a spirit.

i am a soul.

i have a heart.

i believe in life.

i believe in beauty.

i am learning to believe in myself.

i am beautiful.

oh,

i never wanted to talk about this.

to open up so much

and to air everything out.

i like to keep it light.

i like to keep it easy.

but i made a promise

and i'll be damned if i don't keep my word. 

and dad, i'm sorry i swore twice.

but you can't ground me.

i'm an adult. 

i can't believe i'm still doing this.

a letter to your readers.

sorry i'm not sorry for being the worst at blogging.

i don't even have an excuse like 

school or work or parties.

i've basically given up on everything except 

cleaning or watching tv all day.

i'm too busy learning how to be a pretty little liar

or a property brother

to do anything other than tweet

my issues for the beach boys. 

lemon out. 

one of the best things i have read online.

this.this.this.this.this.this. 

a thousand times this.

it speaks to me and moves my heart.

every.single.time.

"you see, i think to love our bodies in a world or a society

 or whatever-you-want-to-call-it 

that tells us we shouldn’t 

is a powerful act of rebellion–an even greater act of love."

meg has a habit of always knowing what to say.

of finding the perfect words

to help me with my struggles.

because sometimes you just need to

figuratively flip the world off

and focus on loving yourself

instead of longing for the person the world tells you

you need to be.

and meg hits that nail square on the head. 

we now return to our scheduled programming.

"something someone told you about yourself  that you'll never forget."

a few months back
i was talking to a friend
who was going through a rough patch.
she emptied her heart to me
and i picked up the scattered pieces,
hugging them close.
i let them sink into my bones
and crawl up to my heart.
it hurt.
it hurt my heart to see her cry.
to hear her story.
to witness her pain.

cory was away on business
and  in the middle of her heart pouring,
she asked how he was.
slightly stunned, i replied with a simple,
"good."
not wanting to smile too much
or turn the attention away from her.

she stopped and looked at me and said,
"brissa, don't you ever apologize
for having a good marriage.
you should never have to feel bad
about that."

and suddenly,
i was the one grateful for her.
grateful for a friend who, despite her heartache,
wanted me to be happy and proud and in love.
people amaze me.

i often think back to that night
and her words.
i find myself adjusting the phrasing to make it
apply to more than just my marriage.
"don't you ever apologize for having
a happy life.
a steady income.
the option to not work.
an incredible family.
amazing in-laws.
a cozy apartment."

it took me that night to realize
none of us should ever have to apologize
for anything wonderful we have in our lives.
instead, we should be grateful
and humbled and thanking the heavens
every day for our blessings.

don't hide your happiness.
others need to see it.
they need to feel its warmth.
they need to know it's real.

don't hide your happiness.
spread it.

this one feels like a job interview.

i'd have to say

my top three worst traits are:

Δ   Δ   Δ 

being too much of a perfectionist. 

Δ   Δ   Δ 

loving too hard.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

caring too much. 

but in real life they're probably:

Δ   Δ   Δ 

watching/loving too much tv and movies and movie trailers.

and consequently getting catty 

after watching an excess amount of reality tv.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

being ridiculously dramatic and making things out to be 

bigger than they really are.

this is magnified during my reality tv stints. 

Δ   Δ   Δ 

stressing out to the point of hyperventilating.

i think that's a panic attack...?

Δ   Δ   Δ 

and one more for good measure.

getting addicted to games on my phone.

addicted to the point of obsession.

addicted to the point of tuning everything else out

and focusing on beating my own high scores.

i just can't quit when it comes to these lists.

things i've learned that school

could never teach me. 

ever.

always use the handicap stall in public restrooms.

more room for you and it distances you from others.

proper etiquette dictates you never, ever 

get in a stall next to another person

especially if every other stall is open.

geographic lactose intolerance is real.

don't text/fiddle with your phone

when you're with real humans.

always save room for unlimited
soft-serve when gorging at a buffet.

take advantage of taco bell's
beefy crunch burrito.
it's only here for a limited time and
you won't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
I'M SERIOUS.

rant-o-rama

instead of focusing on just one thing

that grates on my nerves,

i'm going to make a little list.

the term "pet peeve."

stupid drivers.

people who don't accelerate after they merge.

people who disrespect their parents.

^ this one makes me more sad than annoyed. ^

buying dry bread.

lazy people.

rude people.

selfish people.

[occasionally] people in general.

and finally,

female narrators for audio books.

i just cannot stand them.

i'm extremely picky when it comes to people reading to me.

the only female i have ever allowed read to me

was tina fey via bossypants. 

because, duh.

you probably think this post is about you.

and it totally is.

and by you i mean me.

here are my favorite posts

i have ever written. 

a letter home. 

this is for my parents.

my dad doesn't think i'm funny. 

magical triangles of love.

an analysis of emma watson's relationship

with the harry potter's top three pretty boys. 

the woes of fake nails.

scratched retinas,

google images,

and the reason i swore to never get them again.

soul secrets. 

i'm quite positive this is when i fell in love.

i wouldn't admit it to myself.

i couldn't.

but my heart knew. 

i was a goner. 

drive time ramblings. 

because this was the morning after i realized

all i wanted in life was to be with cory forever.

new york didn't matter.

national geographic didn't matter.

fame didn't matter.

all that mattered was that he would be

by my side all the time no matter what. 

nothing can shake this truth. 

the most magical display of fourth of july fireworks

i have ever witnessed.

attn: baby biebsy. 

my plea to get him back. 

i will never stop missing him. 

the beginning of my titanic breakdown.

i'm still not over it.

...denim chicken...?

because i have really good ideas

when i'm on my death bed. 

he's my rushmore.

i'm a sap.

overkill. i know.

cory just told me i was dumb.

"you really think people are going to go back

and reread all your posts?

how many times have you read harry potter?"

SORRY I'M NOT SORRY.

teee-whhhyyy

"get real. 

share something you're struggling with right now."

the real struggle is not something

i'd care to discuss at the moment.

so we're going to tackle a less serious,

but equally important struggle.

i am having a hard time getting this song

out of my head.

and it doesn't help that cory

sings it any chance he gets.

i'm pretty sure he's going to make it

 his ringtone before the end of the day.

heaven help us. 

five favorite blogs.

my brain isn't functioning in a way

for me to properly pick five of my favorite blogs.
each blog i read, i like for different reasons
and i like each of the people behind them.
don't ever make me pick.
ever.

that being said,
here pictures of things
tumblr says i'm obsessed with.

flowers and new girl.

but what else is new?

bees: a story from my childhood

mami dropped me off at class

like she did every other weekday.

i'd been a kindergartner for at least a few weeks

and was used to the drill.

but something was different today.

my four-year-old self could not handle

the fact my mom was leaving me.

i started a deafening combination of scream-crying.

i ran to the giant windows.

i pounded and pounded and pounded

trying to break the glass 

that separated us. 

after a few failed attempts to distract me from 

the windows,

my teacher ran to get help from one of the parents.

her red curls bounced as she asked him to help

her move a giant set of bookshelves

in front of the windows.

i figured out their plan before they could execute it.

i ran to another set of windows.

i cried for my mama.

my tears burned as they fell down my cheeks.

she put her hand on the glass and smiled.

i knew she was telling me everything was okay.

as badly as i wanted to believe her,

i couldn't shake my fear.

defeated, my teacher opened the door.

i ran into one of the safest hugs

i will ever be wrapped in.

i can still remember how soft her cheek felt against mine.

we walked over to the patio

and sat at a round table.

i remember running my shoes over
the sand covered concrete.

she held me close and rocked me.

she had me breathe deep to stop my hyperventilating. 

my head rested on her chest.

she was wearing her bee shirt. 

my favorite shirt.

it was a speckled steel blue.

the bee was my favorite part.

with its silky black and gold body.

i touched the smooth fabric as she promised

to come back for me after class.

she kissed my head and told me to be strong.

she stood me up, had me look at her and breathe.

we tried to get the red splotches on my face to calm down

before i walked back in to class. 

i walked into a room of eyeballs and dropped jaws.

after one last hug,

my mom handed me off to my teacher 

who took my hand and walked me to my desk.

i can't remember what i learned

or who i played with at recess.

all i can remember is looking out the window
when class was almost over,
and seeing my mami standing there.
in my favorite bee shirt.
waiting to give me a hug. 

well...this is awkward.

i'm going to try to ignore the fact

the last time i stepped foot in this ghost town

was on may 16.

and, if you don't mind,

i will carry on with this challenge until i finish it.

because when i say i'm going to do something,

by golly, i do it.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

a favorite photo of yourself and why.

because this was the best day

i have ever lived.

it is the happiest i have ever been.

neither of us could stop smiling.

my heart was floating in my chest.

i couldn't hug him enough.

i couldn't kiss him enough.

i couldn't squeeze his hand tighter.

we always had to be touching.

my hand on his knee.

his arm around my waist.

holding on to his coat.

it was like i was reminding myself this was real.

like each touch was a pinch

confirming this actually happened.

he was mine

and i was his.

but most of all,

this picture is one of my favorites

because of the way he looked at me.

i never thought it possible to see so much love

in one pair of eyes.

anna james.

uhhhh....no.

"write about something difficult about your lot in life

and what you're doing to overcome it."

i promise i'm not backing out of this one.

i promise.

i promise.

i promise.

the timing isn't right for sharing.

it doesn't feel right in my heart.

not today. not tomorrow.

soon.

everything always makes better sense

on another day.

i swear i will come back to this.

i swear i'm not a cheater.

i swear i will open my heart

and spill my struggle

and probably cry.

just.not.today.

sidenote:

day sixteen and day twenty

are basically the same thing.

so i'll probably just keep excusing myself

until i'm ready to talk.

sometimes peer pressure just doesn't work on me.

i just snap all those chats.

today i get to take you through

a day in the life of me.

how exciting.

since i already explained

what i do and how i spend my days.

i'm going to show you the details through pictures.

and by pictures i mean snapchats.

because snapping generally takes up

most of my day.

so many snappy-selfies are about to happen.

and no, they weren't all taken

on the same day.

suuuuuue me.

i guess i just really like cheese.

oh, 

and i vacuum packed some blankets today.

ten things that make me really happy.

other than the obvious: 

"family! friends! puppies!"

| | fresh journals | |

crisp, white pages.

lined or unlined with the promise

of secrets and adventure. 

| | thick knit scarves | |

because they are my favorite sign of fall.

especially when combined with apple cinnamon tea,

crunchy leaves, and the longing for a new semester.

| | falling asleep in the sun | |

baking and letting the sunshine soak

every negative thought and ache.

waking up crisp and golden and healed.

| | beating all my athletic competitors at 'just dance.' | |

because i don't have to be a runner in order to 

shake what my mama gave me

and shake it real good. 

| | fabric softener | |

on clean sheets and giant sweaters.

fabric softener reminds me of college 

and my mom insisting she do my laundry whenever i visit.

fabric softener was always her gift to me. 

| | a real good ugly cry | |

the kind that rips your soul right before

the seams burst. 

the kind that, when finished, 

brings the sunshine back. 

| | my wedding day bouquet | |

i will never in my life be more in love

with a floral arrangement ever again.

those flowers. that day. 

nothing in my life has ever been more perfect. 

| | cruising down to the lake| |

that summer when lillie became one of my best friends.

we rode and vented and laughed

all the way down the trail.

she just gets me. 

| | having a complete connection when writing | |

a stream from mind to pen with absolutely no filter.

no thought of what is happening.

just letting it be. 

| | cory | |

like i need to explain this one. 

"issue a public apology."

sorry 

i'm not sorry.

for anything.

no regrets.

texas forever.

a place in life i miss.

friday night,

cory took me to see "the great gatsby."

leo almost made me cry five times.

i have always loved him.

i will always love him.

i can't even talk about how much i enjoyed this film.

we sat behind these two high school girls.

at one point in the movie,

homegirl turned to her friend and said,

"old sport, old sport, old sport. come ooon."

in the most sarcastic tone.

i wanted to pop her on the back of the head.

as we walked out of the theater,

i saw homegirl.

a braid so long it looked like a tail

growing out of her crooked cut-offs.

i glared at her profile as i heard her say,

"i almost fell asleep like five times.

it was so boring."

oh no she di'int.

with a dropped jaw i said,

"how do you fall asleep during 'the great gatsby'?"

but she didn't hear me. 

she was too obsessed with her

mousy braid tail and acting cool.

this is the time in my life i miss.

the only time i wish i could revisit.

if i could,

i would stop her.

i would make her stare into my eyes,

straight into my gatsby loving soul

and say,

"how can you  almost fall asleep during 'the great gatsby'?

do you really think you're better than that?

you're no better than daisy.

you're a fool.

i hate you."

can someone please just go watch this movie

so i can talk to them about it?

please?

i'm seriously about to go titanic

on this shiz. 

this is what they said: "sell yourself in ten words or less."

- - - - - - - - 

hot and ready.

just five bucks.

- - - - - - - - 

any questions?

....but what if i don't ever feel that?

i'm one of those people
who doesn't tend to get embarrassed.
honest.
last night i asked cory what my most
embarrassing moment was and we both drew blanks.

but don't worry.
i'm not getting out of this that easy.
here is a list of situations
that make me feel awkward or stupid.
awkward and stupid but not embarrassed.

or is feeling awkward and stupid
the definition of embarrassment?!!!?!
i don't know!

Δ   Δ   Δ 

being asked to pee in a cup

and suddenly getting stage fright. 

Δ   Δ   Δ 

meeting people for the first time
and getting so excited to talk
i jumble all my words
and sound like a complete idiot.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

high school.
at the mall with my sister.
trying to play hard-to-get
with the boys we walked by.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

that one time i went to lillie's 
wedding party and i realized
i had on two different shoes.
both black, but one pizza and one rounded.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

high school.
outside jeff's house 
waiting to go to the coldfire concert,
bragging about my high-kick.
starting it,
jumping a little too high
and landing on my butt.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

a moment like this.

the highlight/moment of my day
worth sharing
was originally when i took a shower at 11:30

and put on the same clothes i was wearing
before i took a shower.

then i found these pictures of my
baby sister thinking she's hawt
on my computer.

and this moment replaced the first moment
like woah.
i mean,
look at this gold.