ginger snaps.

"sweetheart, i love you,

but if you keep singing that song, 

i'm going to push you down the stairs."

- cory's thoughts on fancy

literally two days later.

c: i'm so fancaaaaay

b: excuse me? didn't you just threaten to push me 

down the stairs if i sang that song again?

c: yeah... but it's my jam now.

i-g-g-y. i-g-g-y.

"peanut butter juju time.

peanut butter juju time."

"your teeth are like little marshmallows i can eat."

"i'm too tired for you to be doing this."
please note, this was addressed to me not jude.

sh*t moms say.

and by moms i mean me.

"jude, you need to be considerate 

of other people's feelings."

"sweetheart, stop playing with those papers.

jude. stop.

juuuude.

you know what?

i'm done playing this game."

"if you let me sleep,

i'll let you sleep."

she never lets me sleep.

ginger snaps.

cory: i have to take a picture of this.

brissa: of what?

cory: of you two. i just love my life so much.

brissa: is it time to eat one reese's stick each?

cory: uhhh...it's time to eat two reese's sticks each.

i've been waiting all day for you to say something.

*cory while he adjusts my bangs*

"ooh yeah. you look like a 1950s heartthrob.

a boy that is."

"jude, you can be lazy or fat. 

you can't be both."

the following is a lyric from an original song 

written by cory, for jude.

"jude's got, thuuuuunder thiiiighs."

ginger snaps.

"you'd be surprised how lumpy cat semen is."

brissa: do you want some greek yogurt?

cory: gross. no. why would you ask me that?

that's like going to someone and offering them dog poo. 

"oh, you don't want this dog poo i found on the street? weird."

*another car blaring their horn at us*

"do NOT get mad at me!

oh. i guess there was a stop sign there..."

"i don't think that looks bad!

i mean, bobby flay would  throw up in his mouth, but..."

"the internet thinks i'm a dick."

cory: you look like a rabbit.

brissa: aw, like a cute bunny?

cory: no. like a rabbit eating a carrot.

brissa: *sad face*

cory: now you look like a kardashian crying. 

ginger snaps.

"jude, i like your hair right now.

it kind of looks like a little baby monkey."

"veils are out right now."

threatening cory with natural childbirth and having ryan gosling as my doula. 

"when you spend 48 hours in labor,

anyone can see your boobs.

so long as i don't have to be there with you."

brissa: why did you text me a frowny face?

cory: because i was busy and wanted the conversation to end.

your boobs are enormous right now.

they almost look like a cartoon butt.

ginger snaps.

"don't do that.

you're not felicity."

"it must have been hard

being so dramatic growing up."

brissa: man tip! no woman has ever

started an argument with a man who was dusting,

vacuuming or doing the dishes.

i'm going to come home angry more often.

cory: come home from where, sweetie?

"i hope you weren't planning on getting lucky tonight.

you burped and it smells like china."

"that's what socks are for!

they're napkins you wear!"

brissa: hey! you didn't kiss me goodbye!

cory: i walked in the room,

looked at you and jude sleeping

and fell more in love with you.

ginger snaps.

"ahh...you're kind of an idiot."

"what was that face? 

don't make that face again.

let's put that face on our do-not-make list."

"hubba hubba, chihuahua toes."

i was literally in the middle of a sentence.

*shoulder shrug*

"i don't care."

every time i get frustrated with candy crush he sings

"i don't think you're ready for this jelly."

"remember how candy crush took over the world

and now i'm a part of it?!"

a maniacal laugh followed by

"oh gaga, you get me."

brissa: did you text and drive today?

cory: nope!

brissa: yyeeaaa--

cory: i read part of a usa today article....

"sweetie you look fine.

you're pregnant and you kind of look like a movie star."

ginger snaps.

*giant burp*

"did you have diarrhea today?"

brissa: fine. i won't talk anymore.

cory: promise?

after i used one of my many famous accents

"don't. don't ever do that again.

ever.

don't tweet it. don't blog it.

don't instagram it. 

don't."

"the real thing i was trying to do

was make you feel bad and stupid."

"why are you getting your drama voice?"

"don't tweet that.

you'll sound like a beezy."

sh*t [teenage] girls say

at girl's camp,

my sciatica was acting up 

and my favorite little leg reader had a bum knee.

so when the rest of our group went on a hike,

we opted to stay behind and hangout at the waterfront.

one of the leaders came up to us and asked us

what activity our ward was doing.

i told her they went hiking

and we stayed behind because homegirl had a bum knee.

before i could even mention my pinched nerve,

this little spitfire blurts out:

"she can't go on the hike 

because she's overweight."

uhhhhh.

srsly?

like...really?

later she told me she meant to say
i was pregnant not overweight.

i'm not buying it.
first she calls me horse legs
now this?

homegirl has it out for me.

ginger snaps

cory: i miss you.

brissa: but i'm right here!

cory: i know, but you were being stupid with your talk 

so it's like you weren't even here.

"soon as you pop me out a kid, 

i'm gonna suffocate you in your sleep."

brissa: i need you!

cory: you just want me to help you

pick an instagram filter.

"in what world is that sexy?"

"...it's not one of your better recipes...

i wouldn't go putting that 

in the family cookbook. "

a moment like this.

the highlight/moment of my day
worth sharing
was originally when i took a shower at 11:30

and put on the same clothes i was wearing
before i took a shower.

then i found these pictures of my
baby sister thinking she's hawt
on my computer.

and this moment replaced the first moment
like woah.
i mean,
look at this gold. 

consider this a call to action. with so many ridiculous links.

instead of publicy professing my love and devotion

for one of my blogger friends or real life friends,

i'm going to take this time to discuss someone

very near and dear to my heart.

this girl is truly breaking my heart.

gone are the days of the amanda show,

what i like about you,

what a girl wants,

and she's the man.

it's like i didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. 

is easy a really the last happy memory 

i will have of her?

she can tell the world she's "fine" all she wants.

all i hear is,

"i'm sad and lonely.

i just spend $11,000 on extensions.

i need a hug."

[she really spent eleven thousand dollars on hair extensions.]

WHY WON'T SOMEONE JUST HUG HER!?!?!?!?!?!

tip: for a more familiar hug,

lean to the side that still has hair. 

if you happen to be wearing lipgloss,

i suggest you lean to the shaved side

for a less awkward-awkward hug.

i just want to be her friend.

to get her back.

to help her out.

i'm not joking when i say

her twitter feed makes me legitimately sad.

and i just found this site that makes everything worse.

IT ALL JUST HURTS MY HEART.

she will always be my friend.

the one to taught me how to prank call.

the one to showed me anger problems are okay.

the only who lived my dream of kissing

channing tatum, nick zano, and that one british boy.

amanda taught me it's okay to be weird.

weird = okay + career starter. 

in honor of my fallen friend,

i have caught myself saying this classic phrase

on multiple occasions. 

it's just so perfect for every scenario. 

oh, and one more thing.

can someone please tell me

why she thinks she's sailor moon?

ginger snaps.

"your leggings are the slipperiest things

in the world.

it's like trying to hold on to 

a greased cantaloupe."

Δ Δ Δ 

"i feel like most of your instagram feed

is selfies of you in the car.

#goingtowork

#keshaontheradio

#lifesucks"

Δ Δ Δ

"earlier when you were eating your bread,

i wanted to punch you in the face."

Δ Δ Δ

"i like it when you're monsterating.

you have an insatiable hunger 

for ice cream."

Δ Δ Δ

"you don't say dumb things...

 most of the time."

Δ Δ Δ

brissa: were you in prison at some point in time?

cory: well i have been married for six months...

ginger snaps.

" is that chocolate?

oh! it's a mole.

i do not remember that one."

" don't make fun of

dream christian bale!"

"i was watching you sleep earlier today.

it was kinda funny.

you looked like a stroke victim."

|     |     |     |     |     |     |     |

ladies and gentlemen,

i present to you,

my husband.

sh*t [teenage] girls say

"were you born in the year of the horse?"

"what? i don't know. i was born in 1989.

is that the year of the horse?"

"how old are you?"

"twenty-three."

"yeah, you were born the year of the horse.

i can tell by your legs"

"because i just fake squatted..?"

"no, because your legs are skinny at the bottom

and then go big...and muscular at the top.

like a horse."

|     |     |     |     |     |     |

that just happened.

fourteen year old girls make this world

such a better place. 

xoxo,

horse legs.

attn: fresh market

this is not the way to reach out to your 

"fancy customers."

pepperjack and green grapes.

rreealllyy...?

homemade band-aid.

a few weeks ago, 

my left thumb got sliced pretty good.

i expected the bleeding to stop after a few seconds

but it felt like continuing.

i found and opened my first-aid kid one handed

and searched for some band-aids.

i couldn't find any.

isn't that how it always works?

instead, i found gauze and medical tape.

i took this opportunity to exercise my 

emt-b skillz from high school.

i folded, taped and felt like macgyver.

after i took and nashvilled the shizz out of this picture for posterity,

i went to put my surgical tools away.

you'll never guess what i found at the bottom of my kit.

five band-aids. 

#fml

ugliest.teddy.bear.ever.

i was going to show you another video today.

one that is a billion times better than this one.

but i can't help it.
the world needs to know. 

she's back.

she's back.

she's back.

?!?!whhhhhhyyyyy?!?!

thanks to jutraas for posting this sucker

and to rye-bread for pointing out how

unnaturally windy it is inside the arcade.

i had a million thoughts running through my head
when i first saw this,
but i'll just limit myself to three.

 her obsession with j.biebs is obvious.
if i were him, i'd get a restraining order now.
who styled this video?
why is it day then night then day?
what garbage bin did they get that teddy bear from?
i don't understand what she's trying
to accomplish with this.
i really don't.

the following is an actual conversation i had last night.

please note:
stupid is bolded // brissa is italicized

so, what are you studying?

print journalism.

oh wow! what do you plan on doing with that?

...writing...

yeah, that was probably a dumb question. 

sometimes i wish i could just slap the stupid out of people. 

to answer your question,

no.

despite what you've been told,

duct tape does not fix everything.

sidenote: for those of you who have asked and shown concern,

thank you for your genuine worry.

but unfortunately {or rather, fortunately},

this is not my car. 

i found this blue beauty in the parking lot and thought i'd share.

so while i thank you for the positive vibes, 

let's send them over to the owner of the civic 

so they can get this sucker sorted out.

but really, you kids are top-notch for caring.