attn: pandora

if i wanted to listen to backstreet boys,

i would have made a backstreet boys station.

keep them OFF my *nsync radio

or else junk will be cut.

*NSYNC FANGURL4LYFE.

you guys, i feel like my old self again.

threatening to cut junk and whatnot.

feels good to be back.

attn: all first-time expectant mothers.

don't listen to all that

"it felt like a butterfly in my stomach"

hogwash people keep telling you.

!!!it's a lie!!!

babies in bellies don't feel like butterflies.

they feel like gas.

so if you're paranoid or worried

or cry every time someone asks you if you've felt your baby yet,

take a moment and ask yourself if you've been

feeling extra gassy lately.

chances are, that's your lil' babe kicking away. 

if you don't think you've felt your bebe move yet,

you need to remember

  you are not alone.

i didn't realize what was happening until i was 23 weeks along.

i thought i was crazy.

i cried every day.

people would.not.stop.asking.me

and i felt like a bad mom because of it.

so forget all the haters 

and ignore everyone who keeps asking you if

"you've felt the baby mooooove."

you'll probably still cry when they ask

and might think you're a bad mom,

but just wait.

once you realize what you've been feeling

has been tiny baby kicks and not ibs,

nothing else matters.

fake gas flutters are the sweetest feeling in the world. 

attn: costco

while we appreciated

the free creamies during our saturday shopping,

we didn't appreciate the recent

price increase on your ddp stock.

srsly?!?!

who do you think you are?

i was hoping this ONE DOLLAR JUMP

would help cory rethink his addiciton

and hopefully encourage him to cut back.
as if.

after fuming and yelling at the crate,

he shrugged his shoulders

and grabbed two flats.

because he's,

"not stupid. no one should stop ddp."

attn: sandy

putting in a real two weeks notice

is nothing like your two weeks notice.

let's not give girls unrealistic ideas

of the real world,

mmmmkay?

real life has less fancy gala's,

stapler wars and hugh grant

and more sweaty palms,

queasy stomachs

and avoiding explaining why.

"personal reasons"

is really just code for,

"because i hate you mr. bossman.

 i hate you like woah

and i'm not letting you tear me down

anymore.

so put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

two weeks and counting.

i think i'll make a paper chain.

attn: maxi skirt and dress haters

i used to be one of you.

i hated them.

with a passion.

i hadn't even tried one on.

i refused.

that's how real this hate was.

on friday i bought a maxi skirt and dress.

i'm not trying to be dramatic, but...

THEY HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE.

so free.

so comfortable.

so revolutionary.

it's like being naked in public.

literally the best thing that's happened to me.

ever.

the only problem is,

i can't stop.

two is not enough.

i need at least seven more.

seven.

one for each day of the week

and a few back-ups,

just in case i get sap on one of them.
yes, sap.

i eat lunch outside.

on a rock.

under a tree.

a tree that pees sap like crazy.

please,

just stop the hate.

it's probably straining your relationship

with your maxi-wearing friends.

no one likes a hater
[except little girls that don't care].

don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

i'm serious.

your life will change.

you will be able to sit cross legged

without worrying about flashing innocent bystanders.

you will be able to frolic in a meadow 

without being bothered whether or not

your undaroos are showing.

when you have to lift up your skirt

to deal with stairs,

you will feel like a princess.

you will feel fancy and carefree

and your boobz will look great.
tmi?
too bad. it's true.

trust me. 

moral of the story:

with maxi-skirts/dresses

no one can see london, france or your underpants.

and you don't have to shave as often.

#winning.

attn: green truck driver

oh hey. 

fancy seeing you here. 

again...

you complete me. 

ahhwoooo.

that's wolfspeak for

 "i will love you until the day i die."

attn: nurse

how dare you 

cast a spell on this girl

and try to make her forget she's a wizard.

a wizard never forgets! 

hide yo' kids. hide ho' boo.

we gon' grab our lightsabers and find you.

and crystle,

 thank you. 

a thousand times. 

attn: snooki's baby.

this is your future.

i'm so sorry. 

attn: fresh market

this is not the way to reach out to your 

"fancy customers."

pepperjack and green grapes.

rreealllyy...?

attn: interweb surfers

i just wanted to take the time and thank you for 

finding my blog through the following searches:

ilovehp

azn gangster 13@hotmail.com

can't stop watching alana toddlers and tiaras

chin zit

freeolive.com

classy acrylic nails

getting my arm casted

hipster sitting

my finger is not straight

you know what they say about guys with big trucks

receding hairline side part

ernest hamwi

people who say nom nom

wolf pack diagram

honey boo boo chiiiiiild

beeper king

a zit on the bottom lip

ethan tremblay headshot

emma watson

fingerstache

you're the sister of my soul i dream

nothing grows in shadows of my cock

teen webcam

i have no idea how those last three are connected to me.

no idea at all.

i find it unsettling. 

and finally,

can someone please tell me why anyone is searching,

"brissa sigh"?

like really.

i don't get it. 

attn: boy in class.

Y U NO STOP POPPING COLLAR?

sidenote:

 i'm obsessed with Y U NO.

like really.

i almost had a heart attack on friday

due to excessive retweeting/laughing.

attn: green truck driver

marry me?

our combined forces will create the ultimate wolf pack .

then, our ultimate-pack will beat every other wolf pack. 

especially those stupid never-nudes.

oh mckinley, thank you. it gets me every time. 

attn: awkward married couple in class

could you please just take a minute

and explain why you felt it necessary

to bring a bottle of hot sauce to class to our photography class?

i happened to notice it was a bottle of tapatio.

while i don't understand your methods,

i will respect your weapon of choice.

viva le tapatio!

attn: boy in class

i don't know how or why you do it,

but i must applaud you.

now please, tell us.

how on earth do you get your hair so high

and is it true you're paying homage to jimmy neutron?

and the the slit sensor-shades?

don't mention it. 

i know you like to keep it phresh in all aspects of life. 

peace out homez.

attn: best buy

you're welcome for changing the background

on your mac to this.

when sales spike by a 97% increase,

i'll take my portion of the profits in cash.

attn: drea

you are the coolest person ever.

my dream of being a cartoon

has finally become reality.

hoooooooly.

i feel flattered and in awe.

i can't even believe this happened.

you are my soul sister.

srsly.

for those of you reading this public love note memo

who aren't named drea 

and have no idea what i'm talking about, 

please feel free to 

check.it.out.

attn: biebsy

work was terribly slow the other day.
in order to make the never-ending minutes more bearable,
i decided to turn on my justin bieber station.

my ears were greeted with poppy tunes

and a heavenly voice.

i should have been happy.
instead, i was heartbroken.

as i listened to your young voice

it made me miss a few things:

your hair.

it was you. it is you.

you need it back now.

i don't care if selena hates it.

i loved it and i could beat her up.

your voice.

we can't really fix this.

you grew up. it's gotten deeper. that's life.
but maybe you can have them studio-edit
your now voice back to your beautiful pre-pubescent voice.
it was angelic.

your hoodies.
you're kind of a big deal.
designers are practically throwing their clothes at you
and praying for the trends to start,
but sometimes i wish you'd switch the pimped suits
 for your classic zip-up, jeans riding far below your bottom,
and pumped up kicks.

i think i finally understand what
joni mitchell meant when she wrote big yellow taxi.
i miss the old you
and i didn't realize it until you were gone.
find a way to fix it.
plz.

xoxo.
gossip girl.
brissa.

oh, and biebsy-baby?
i think you should know that picture of us
has been my desktop background since november 11.

p.s.
i've been told we have the same eyebrows.
if that doesn't say eternal soul mates, i don't know what does.

p.p.s.
i will love you until the day i die.

attn: girl on the sidewalk.

if you are walking on the sidewalk

while i am riding my bike on the road

and i can still choke on your body spray,

you've got too much on.

do yourself {and the world} a favor

and stop at one squirt. 

in this case, less is more.

trust me.

attn: hipster sitting four tables away from me

i see you.

sitting in the library.

with your flannel shirt,

light blue jacket that says "nom" on the back,

and your black framed spectacles.

i know you.

you think you're a big deal.

sitting behind your macbook pro

and listening to underground bands

so phresh they haven't been named yet.

i hear you.

sipping on your beverage

in your paper, pier 49 pizzeria, cup.

stop.slurping.

it's.gone.

i hate you.

not because you're hipper than me,

but because you know you're hip.

you're not.

just a loud sipper with perfect hair.

i take it back.

you just left the library.

i looked up as you were leaving

and saw you rocking a tnmt shell backpack.

you are hipper than me.

teach me your ways.

no.

marry me. 

marry me so we can have hipster babies

who wear glasses, eat fancy pizza 

and rock flannel while i carry them

in my tmnt backpack.

plz. 

in other news,

i want this one too. 

attn: boy in the silver camry

you're polite.

i get that.

but it starts to get a little extreme

when you stop for every.single.person

waiting to use the crosswalk.

they're walking home.

i think they can handle waiting three cars before crossing the street.

to be fair, 

this isn't entirely your fault.

if i left my apartment one minute earlier,

i wouldn't have been stuck behind your slowmobile

and almost late to work.

your samaritan-esque actions have inspired me 

 to follow in your polite manner

and leave you with a simple warning.

please << quit the stop-and-go >> thank you.

i really hope this encourages you to change your ways

because if i happen to be driving behind you

as you wave pedestrians on like a crosswalk lady again,

tires will be slashed.