ginger snaps.

"sweetheart, i love you,

but if you keep singing that song, 

i'm going to push you down the stairs."

- cory's thoughts on fancy

literally two days later.

c: i'm so fancaaaaay

b: excuse me? didn't you just threaten to push me 

down the stairs if i sang that song again?

c: yeah... but it's my jam now.

i-g-g-y. i-g-g-y.

"peanut butter juju time.

peanut butter juju time."

"your teeth are like little marshmallows i can eat."

"i'm too tired for you to be doing this."
please note, this was addressed to me not jude.

ginger snaps.

cory: i have to take a picture of this.

brissa: of what?

cory: of you two. i just love my life so much.

brissa: is it time to eat one reese's stick each?

cory: uhhh...it's time to eat two reese's sticks each.

i've been waiting all day for you to say something.

*cory while he adjusts my bangs*

"ooh yeah. you look like a 1950s heartthrob.

a boy that is."

"jude, you can be lazy or fat. 

you can't be both."

the following is a lyric from an original song 

written by cory, for jude.

"jude's got, thuuuuunder thiiiighs."

ginger snaps.

"you'd be surprised how lumpy cat semen is."

brissa: do you want some greek yogurt?

cory: gross. no. why would you ask me that?

that's like going to someone and offering them dog poo. 

"oh, you don't want this dog poo i found on the street? weird."

*another car blaring their horn at us*

"do NOT get mad at me!

oh. i guess there was a stop sign there..."

"i don't think that looks bad!

i mean, bobby flay would  throw up in his mouth, but..."

"the internet thinks i'm a dick."

cory: you look like a rabbit.

brissa: aw, like a cute bunny?

cory: no. like a rabbit eating a carrot.

brissa: *sad face*

cory: now you look like a kardashian crying. 

ginger snaps.

"jude, i like your hair right now.

it kind of looks like a little baby monkey."

"veils are out right now."

threatening cory with natural childbirth and having ryan gosling as my doula. 

"when you spend 48 hours in labor,

anyone can see your boobs.

so long as i don't have to be there with you."

brissa: why did you text me a frowny face?

cory: because i was busy and wanted the conversation to end.

your boobs are enormous right now.

they almost look like a cartoon butt.

ginger snaps.

"don't do that.

you're not felicity."

"it must have been hard

being so dramatic growing up."

brissa: man tip! no woman has ever

started an argument with a man who was dusting,

vacuuming or doing the dishes.

i'm going to come home angry more often.

cory: come home from where, sweetie?

"i hope you weren't planning on getting lucky tonight.

you burped and it smells like china."

"that's what socks are for!

they're napkins you wear!"

brissa: hey! you didn't kiss me goodbye!

cory: i walked in the room,

looked at you and jude sleeping

and fell more in love with you.

ginger snaps.

"ahh...you're kind of an idiot."

"what was that face? 

don't make that face again.

let's put that face on our do-not-make list."

"hubba hubba, chihuahua toes."

i was literally in the middle of a sentence.

*shoulder shrug*

"i don't care."

every time i get frustrated with candy crush he sings

"i don't think you're ready for this jelly."

"remember how candy crush took over the world

and now i'm a part of it?!"

a maniacal laugh followed by

"oh gaga, you get me."

brissa: did you text and drive today?

cory: nope!

brissa: yyeeaaa--

cory: i read part of a usa today article....

"sweetie you look fine.

you're pregnant and you kind of look like a movie star."

ginger snaps.

*giant burp*

"did you have diarrhea today?"

brissa: fine. i won't talk anymore.

cory: promise?

after i used one of my many famous accents

"don't. don't ever do that again.

ever.

don't tweet it. don't blog it.

don't instagram it. 

don't."

"the real thing i was trying to do

was make you feel bad and stupid."

"why are you getting your drama voice?"

"don't tweet that.

you'll sound like a beezy."

ginger snaps

cory: i miss you.

brissa: but i'm right here!

cory: i know, but you were being stupid with your talk 

so it's like you weren't even here.

"soon as you pop me out a kid, 

i'm gonna suffocate you in your sleep."

brissa: i need you!

cory: you just want me to help you

pick an instagram filter.

"in what world is that sexy?"

"...it's not one of your better recipes...

i wouldn't go putting that 

in the family cookbook. "

ginger snaps.

"your leggings are the slipperiest things

in the world.

it's like trying to hold on to 

a greased cantaloupe."

Δ Δ Δ 

"i feel like most of your instagram feed

is selfies of you in the car.

#goingtowork

#keshaontheradio

#lifesucks"

Δ Δ Δ

"earlier when you were eating your bread,

i wanted to punch you in the face."

Δ Δ Δ

"i like it when you're monsterating.

you have an insatiable hunger 

for ice cream."

Δ Δ Δ

"you don't say dumb things...

 most of the time."

Δ Δ Δ

brissa: were you in prison at some point in time?

cory: well i have been married for six months...

ginger snaps.

" is that chocolate?

oh! it's a mole.

i do not remember that one."

" don't make fun of

dream christian bale!"

"i was watching you sleep earlier today.

it was kinda funny.

you looked like a stroke victim."

|     |     |     |     |     |     |     |

ladies and gentlemen,

i present to you,

my husband.