"what's ja-god?" "oh, you know, jagged."

i am four days away from being 30 weeks pregnant.

which means in 10 weeks i'm going to have a baby.

which means in 10 weeks i'm going to have a one year old and a baby.

which means in 10 weeks i might go crazy.

every day, jude likes to watch videos of herself.

we put them up on the tv and she just sits and smiles

and says "mama mama mama" 

over and over again.

earlier this week, 

we went down to the middle of nowhere mt. carmel

with cory and his family for a hunting trip.

jude was such a good baby on the trip down and back.

it's actually kind of amazing.

zero meltdowns

and only two leaky diapers.

i have never in my life been more grateful

for hand dryers than when i had to wash jude's pants

after she wet them. 

what a brilliant invention. 

last night cory and i played bananagrams in bed.

we had our own breakfast trays to place our tiles 

and we laughed like crazies when we revealed our trays.

i just really, really love him. 

and finally,

jude and i have been really into barney lately.

homegurl takes after her parents. 

let's just hope she doesn't get teased 

like we were.

ain't nothing wrong with a purple dinosaur that sings!

nothing at aaaaall.

 

two things.

i ate carrots with garlic hummus in my room.

now my room smells like a weird 

garlic/hard-boiled eggs combo.

halp.

these are jude's friends.

dollie is her favorite while lambie seems a bit sketchy.

shoo fly, don't bother me. 

motherhood has caused me to add an "ie" to everything.

lambie.

dollie.

blankie.

feetsie.

and apparently i caption pictures from jude's perspective.

>>>k i l l m e<<<

if i start writing posts as jude, please slap me.

i have also invented the word "squinch."

it refers to jude squinching down in her car seat or in her swing.

BUT REALLY,

WHY THE HARD BOILED EGG SMELL?!?!!?!?!!!!

"i shaved the bottom half of my legs today" and other things you wish you never knew.

sometimes i only have the time or energy to shave half of my leg. 

tops or bottoms.

very rarely, if ever, do i choose to tackle both in one shower.

sometimes shaving is just too damn hard.

i'm not one for cussing in conversation,

but i've begun to notice a soft spot growing in my heart

for mild swearing in writing.

there are few things better than a well placed damn.

as contradictory as it sounds, i find it classy.

i live for jude's morning naps.

i make the bed. i shower. i start a load of laundry.

i have all these grand ideas 

but usually end up spending that precious time after my shower 

stalking social media.

at least i'm clean.

as addicted as i am,

i can't help but hate instagram for playing a role

in my lack of blogging. 

i told myself i wouldn't let it change me.

it has. 

it totally has.

cory and i have grand plans for a few raised gardens in our backyard.

peas and onions and carrots and blackberries.

maybe even some lettuce and tomatoes.

summer already tastes delicious.

i've had the same shellac on my nails for three weeks now.

it's a million times worse than when i left my acrylics on for too long.

lucky for me i never leave the house so no one ever sees my nails.

that's a lie. i do leave the house.

two sunday's ago we went to a farewell

and i had an anxiety attack when i wasn't holding jude.

GERMS ARE EVERYWHERE AND THEY ARE OUT FOR HER.

eh.

maybe it's a good thing i don't blog anymore.

it's friday and i just can't stop talking.

i spent the morning playing guitar,

plucking my eyebrows and googling curtains.

this afternoon i gave myself a mediocre crown braid,

 wished i could perm my hair like lorde,

and cursed my real life hair

for not looking as red as my picture hair.

"wrecking ball" is stuck in my head

and i can't help but feel for miley.

there is a dog barking somewhere in my neighborhood

and sparky just won't quit. 

i plan on spending the rest of my friday

hand washing my dishes,

trying out a new cookie recipe,

dreaming of lorde's hair,

and praying for 5:45 to get here already

so my weekend can finally begin.

post edit:

sparky quit barking.

let the celebratory baking begin!

the following are legitimate concerns/thoughts/scientific questions floating around my brain.

why do i always find a zit 

when i'm in a public setting where it's not appropriate

to pick/pop/destroy it?

why do people with one or more passengers

not take advantage of the hov lane?

it's literally right there and wide open.

USE IT.

how is it possible for generic ice cream

to taste better than fancy name brand ice cream?

kroger for the win!

why is it easier for me
to keep my kitchen clean
when i'm forced to hand-wash dishes?

will anyone ever invent an ultrasound machine
that allows you to see the actual hair color
of your baby in utero?
we're i'm still praying for a ginger. 

it's 3:53

i just got out of the shower.

chicken is defrosting for dinner.

box elder bugs have invaded my home.

i long for change in a backwards kind of way.

i found my first stretch mark on my belly this weekend.

it made me smile.

grow baby, grow!

oh! dinner includes pillsbury crescent rolls

& i'm r e a l l y excited about it. 

the facts are these.

we finally have the internet.

it's kind of ridiculous how excited that makes me.

internet and taquitos are all i need to make me happy.

we've been living in our house for a week.

it feels like home but it doesn't feel real yet.

only the upstairs is suitable for public

and apparently my closet bedroom "smells like feet."

i need to get some air freshener asap.

there is absolutely nothing i love more

than stripping down to my undies for a sunday nap.

there is absolutely nothing i hate more

than putting clothes on after a sunday nap.

i've been reading cookbooks all weekend

and now all i want to do is cook

and bake individual oreo cheesecakes.

researching strollers might be one of the most

stressful things i have ever done.

scratch that.

researching anything baby related is the most stressful thing.

this girl's life is in my hands. 

she has no choice but to trust me.

how am i supposed to know which stroller is best?

which car seat will protect her most?

which cloth diapering method to use?

like hello???

this is more stressful than watching argo

and that movie stressed.me.out.

i guess this is my life.

i finished all my wedding thank you cards.

now i just need stamps.

looks like it'll be another year

before we get those suckers out.

i started playing candy crush on facebook

and suddenly all these people are

sending me requests. 

i'm sorry, what?

you don't talk to me for two years

and now you want to rekindle our friendship

because i occasionally crush some candy?

no. 

i'm considering cutting my own hair.

my friend found a tutorial and said it's doable.

i'm only slightly terrified. 

i'm more afraid of having cory dye my hair.

i might give myself some bangs.

i'm too scared to go full frontal because

i'm afraid of getting a swollen face

and looking like a puffy version

of my azn self. 

and finally.

i've taken to wearing cory's crocs around the apartment

because the hard floor hurts my feet

and these stupid things are like 

walking on a cloud.

i hate that i'm turning into the person

i promised myself i would never become. 

so basically, my life is one giant snapchat

new girl.

if you don't know by now,

you don't deserve to know.

 my book,

" how to train your husband dragon"

is hitting shelves across america tomorrow.

 most people are just buying it

for the cover art.

this one gave people nightmares.

i think i look like patty mayonnaise

with green hair.

when a day off is also a sick day it's only natural to do the following.

watch enough 30 rock

to deserve some night cheese.

procrastinate writing wedding "thank you" cards

with homemade valentine's cards

you will [also] probably never get around to mailing.

watch toddler's and tiaras

until you hate yourself and every five-year-old

with better makeup and hair than you.

self-medicate with ginger ale

to the point of bursting.

webmd yourself into a paranoid frenzy

and get upset when facebook and instagram

aren't updated every time 

you click refresh.

paint your nails.

mess up your nails.

repaint your nails.

realize you will never be good at nail art.

accept defeat in the form of a glitter topcoat. 

sit on your livingroom floor and cry

because your husband is on a business trip

and you got an eggshell in your brownies.

| | | | |

let us all just take a moment

and thank the heavens we have passed this hump

and it's just one more day

'til friday.

halle-freaking-lujah. 

the facts are these [and a bunch of pictures that have nothing to do with anything]

the snow up here has been ridiculous.

i don't understand why grown-ups don't get snow days.
after being gypped
my entire schooling career,
you'd think i'd be gifted with a few at work.

i was excited about vine.

i really was. 

i felt fancy because i could "edit" cool videos in a jiff.
and since i can't edit
actual videos to save my life, i was sold.

but not being able to block the creeps,
being notified for every comment left on a video i liked,
and getting porn spam in my feed,
changed my mind.

and the cherry on top?
there is no "deactivate" option.
none.
desperate much?
so deleted videos and an erased app will have to do.
take that sucker.

observations from my day off.

i'm a really good dream spy.

like, really good.

the only time i am ever jealous of boys

is when i am asked to pee in a cup.

there is nothing wrong with sitting down

next to a bag of marshmallow mateys

just in case you want more

 after the cereal in your cup is gone

and the milk seems lonely.

fashion police makes

missing the golden globes

hurt less.

heartbreak is when

the latest episode of pretty little liars

hasn't been uploaded for my viewing pleAsure.

i am more productive 
when the television is on and muted.

i feel like i have seen every cycle of antm
in the history of antm. 
why is tyra so crazy?

lunch with good people
who genuinely care about your happiness
and believe in you
does wonders for the heart.

the following are legitimate concerns/thoughts/scientific questions floating around my brain.

what is the science on eating

14 spears of asparagus in one sitting?

am i going to die?

is it normal to watch grey's during your lunch break

while eating ice cream straight out of the carton

and crying like a baby?

how can skin handle directly touching clorox wipes

but it burns and falls off if you 

dip your hand in a vat of clorox?

speaking of clorox....

what's the process behind skin bleaching?

is it painful? is it lights? do they dunk you in a special fluid?

oh mj, why aren't you here to answer these for me?

am i the only person on this planet
who consistently gets food crumbs trapped
down the boob crack?
it's getting out of control.

attn: interweb surfers

i just wanted to take the time and thank you for 

finding my blog through the following searches:

ilovehp

azn gangster 13@hotmail.com

can't stop watching alana toddlers and tiaras

chin zit

freeolive.com

classy acrylic nails

getting my arm casted

hipster sitting

my finger is not straight

you know what they say about guys with big trucks

receding hairline side part

ernest hamwi

people who say nom nom

wolf pack diagram

honey boo boo chiiiiiild

beeper king

a zit on the bottom lip

ethan tremblay headshot

emma watson

fingerstache

you're the sister of my soul i dream

nothing grows in shadows of my cock

teen webcam

i have no idea how those last three are connected to me.

no idea at all.

i find it unsettling. 

and finally,

can someone please tell me why anyone is searching,

"brissa sigh"?

like really.

i don't get it. 

the following are legitimate concerns/thoughts/scientific questions floating around my brain.

is it possible to overdose on clementines?

i ate four the other day...

i can't stop.

does splitting my 1mg cherry flavored melatonin

sleeping supplement leave me with any drugz?

i don't think it does.
i actually think it's more of a placebo 
and my brain is really good at pretending it's real.

do baby carrots naturally grow to be so small
or are they prematurely plucked?

what is the science on being
geographically lactose intolerant?
it's real.
i have it.

is it still considered "creeping"
if i facebook stalk myself for an undisclosed amount of time?

is it bad to laugh at my own jokes
and wish i could hang out with early versions of myself
solely based on the fact that this was my status in 2011,
xx i wEaR bRIghT coLorS tO hIdE ThE dARkneSs iN mY sOuL xx
and in 2010 basilisk potter was my name?

maybe i shouldn't have voiced/typed/admitted 
those last two concerns...
oh well,
h8rz gon' h8.

happy humpday hangover.
it's almost friday.
hallelujah. 

discoveries.

there is always time for recreational reading.

it's up to me to make time.

soul secrets are always better

when written pen to paper.

if your mom offers to give you a box

of sweet and salty nature valley granola bars,

just.say.yes.

if you don't, you'll kick yourself for days.

apparently picnik is moving to google+ in april.

why is google+ ruining my life?!

[today it is] thursday, thursday.

[tomorrow] is friday, friday.

we we we so excited.

microsoft paint is my anti-drug.

i know this because when i got bored in travel photography,

it was either paint or the bandito blanco*.

i chose paint. 

upon completing my drug-free activity, 

i realized it looked like some type of brainwashing propaganda.

guess i know what posters i'll use when i plan my takeover.

i mean...

*mami, don't worry. it was just a 30 rock reference. 

drugz were never an actual option.

i'm clean.

i promise.

clearly the "c" in c-ville stands for classy.

the night before the wedding, 

i helped my dad set up for rotary.

as we rolled out giant tables and arranged the blue tablecloths,

i told him i felt legit.

there's something about being inside city hall after hours

that makes a person feel straight up gangster.

this time has been locked in my brain as my favorite set up session.

there's nothing i love more

than one-on-one chats with my papa.

except maybe discovering how the city promotes water week.

can someone please explain 

how we get cell phones and hamburgers 

from a fountain of water?

this wreath was my personal favorite.

proudly hanging on an employee's office door

seven months after the holiday season has passed.

because nothing says,

"merry christmas" or "peace on earth"

like shot gun shells and camoflague. 

you know what they say about men with big trucks...

 i didn't think it was possible to find a bigger one.

boy, was i wrong.

wednesday thoughts.

wtf...
did that really just happen?
really?

bought nutella for the 

first time in my life yesterday.

#winning.

sometimes i like to text/blog/email

in tweet-speak.

#becauseilikeitooookkaayy?

 and that is why i love pinterest.