there will never be words to describe this day.

my heart is so full.

i will forever be grateful to madi and hannah

for their willingness to be part of this day.

namesake.

laura 

after my mom.

the woman who taught me to love life

and writing and reading and sunsets.

the woman who always tells the best bedtime stories

and constantly teaches me what it means to be strong.

the woman whose example of service and selflessness

have softened my heart and made it grow.
laura, after my hero.

judith 

after my mom's aunt.

the woman who saved her life.

who lifted her up to the car when a little dog came running.

the woman who, instead of my mom, was bit on the ankle, got rabies

and died a month before her wedding.

the woman who loved my mom like a daughter.
judith, because she is part of the reason

you are here today.

jude

because we like it.

because it's short and sweet.

because your dad's love for the beatles

wouldn't have it any other way.
jude, because it's perfect.

and just like that, my life made sense.

laura judith.

8 lbs 19 in

december 22, 2013.

welcome home little jude.

our hearts are bursting with love for you.

a list of questions/statements family, friends and (especially) strangers should avoid asking pregnant ladies.

i am currently two days over my due date.

sorry i'm not sorry if this post comes across as snarky

and probably graphic.

i am losing all tact and decorum. 

i'm anxious to hold my baby

and completely terrified of the process i must go through

to get said baby to this world.

so,

"make sure you have lots and lots and lots of sex if you want that baby to come out." 

thank you lady from target i have never met before.

oh and thank you for explaining why it's good for me to have tons of sex.
i'm sure everyone else in the checkout line appreciated too.

and a big shout out to literally every adult in my family

for telling me the same thing.

and for the love of pete!

can everyone please.stop.winking when they tell me to get laid?!

 an insincere, "how are you feeeeling?"

we all know you're just asking if i've had any big contractions yet.

no. i haven't. leave me alone.

"have you had that baby yet?"

seriously? don't you think i would have told you by now?

leave me alone. i hate you.

"make sure you get those blue disposable bed liners.

you will be bleeding for days.

especially when you go from lying down to sitting.

just blood, everywhere."

i may have cried after this fun fact was shared with me.

just when you think you're free,

the dam breaks forth and adult depends are a tempting option.

"how dilated are you?" followed by a quick, "hey! how are you doing?!"

hi. hey. i haven't spoken to you in eight months.

you don't get a free ticket to ask me this just because i'm pregnant.

how about we start this conversation over with some fake small talk

and then you can jump into all the personal questions

only my doctor asks me. 

"have you passed your mucus plug?"

because, gross. 

also, you don't need to know.

leave me and my plug alone plz&thnx.

i've learned people don't understand the 

"need to know" basis boundaries when someone is pregnant.

it's like they think anything is fair game.

this is my psa to remind them that

just because my body is changing and everyone can see it,

doesn't mean you get to touch my belly,

feel if my boobs are filling up with milk,

or ask personal, kooka-related questions. 

author's note:

no one has really touched my boobs to check on my milk supply,

but i feel like it's a totally legitimate thing that could happen to any pregnant lady.

PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY CRAZY.

disclaimer:

i don't hate anyone.

hormones n' stuff. 

man, i'm going to miss being able to use that. 

"YOU KNOW ME."

words will never be able to fully express

just how much i love amy poehler.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID
THEY DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SING WITH AMY!!!
!!!a pox upon their houses!!!

in a perfect world, i would be her second best friend.
second best because no one will ever/should ever replace tina fey.
no one. ever.
not even ann perkins.
and finally, on a semi-unrelated note,

whenever i see will arnett on that silly best buy commercial,

my heart breaks for their broken love all over again.


now, let us all sing praises to shay
for finding and originally posting this gem.

wiiknd: i forgot how absolutely awful december shopping was.

last friday.

bow making.

the sing-off.

walking + talking matie.

pie deception.

seinfeld.

last saturday.

ultimate cleaning day.

costco + smith's.

snackie stock up.

string cheese.

fancy bacon = on sale = buy two.

blt's. 

1940s gangster ryan gosling.

pillow talk.

last sunday.

"so you didn't have a baby last night."

church snacks.

swollen feet + ankles = lolololololol :(

poppers.

"i just want my baby."

youtubing labor inducing pressure points.
belly conversations.

monday is the dream
but stubborn, comfortable babies
have a mind of their own. 

blerg.

i just want to hold my baby already.

this is the worst kind of waiting game.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

waiting has made me go crazy.

literally crazy.
and seeing how i'm a hormone-hyped pregnant woman
who just wants to see her friggin baby already,
the only natural thing to do was to visit
makemebabies.com.
the internet gods were kind to me and blessed me
with this little cgi angel with the most adorable hair.

not too shabby for the first time.

but, as adorable as those perfectly curled brown locks were, 

i had to keep going until that site gave a ginger baby.

somehow,

each baby i tried got cuter and less ginger.

i force-clicked the light complexion to up my chances

and got beautiful flower children instead.

frustrated, i decided to give the internet one more chance

to prove i would have a sweet little ginger babe.

this is what i got instead.

moral of the story:
if you repeatedly force the internet to make your dreams come true,
your worst nightmare will become your reality.
i'm hoping this isn't some sort of karma thing
and i end up with a gracie bell.
plz send prayers.

i went in for one and came out with three.

please don't tell me i'm the only person on this planet

who is incapable of buying a brush without testing it out in the store first.

and after i've touched it to my head,

i say a quick prayer the person who tested before me doesn't have lice.

then i make a few fake brush strokes

to see if said brush is comfortable enough to work with.

please tell me this is normal.

moving on...

yesterday i went nuts 

and bought three new brushes.

three.

who am i?

one for clean, freshly washed, first day hair.

it's a paddle brush and feels so soft on my head.

it's basically begging me to turn into marcia brady

and brush my hair 100 times before bed each night.

one for second day, third day, fourth day, etc. hair.

this one is small and vented,

allowing me to easily clean out all the dead hair and dry shampoo

 that always seems to multiply overnight.

the last one is for backcombing

because my hair is lifeless.

aaand rumor has it you basically go bald after having a baby.

these thin locks of mine are going to need all the help they can get. 

some of you might be thinking

three brushes for one head is ridiculous.

trust me when i say it's not.

it was 100% necessary.

before yesterday, i only had one brush.

i used it for everything.

then it started getting all that icky dry shampoo'd hair

all up in its bidniss which, in turn,

left weird flaky, dry shampoo leftovers in my hair.

i do not have dandruff.

repeat! i do not have dandruff!

i couldn't handle it.

since it was a paddle brush,

it felt like it was never clean.

i'd cut and pick and pull hair out.

i'd even wash the thing in hot water!

nothing worked.

that's when i realized i needed to make the plunge.

since i'm not a huge fan of washing my hair every day

(strictly for lazy purposes),

creating a new system seemed so much easier.

because honestly,

who has time to wash their hair seven times a week?!

i am practically a hermit and i don't even have time for that.

so let's hope this new system works.

i'm praying for it.

i really am.

and since it was all under eight bucks,

i figured, 

meh. why not?

wiiknd: step away from the popper.

eating spicy food three days in a row

will not induce labor.

just in case you were wondering. 

getting personal on a level no one asked for.

now that i'm at the stage where murphlina could come any day,

i find myself being better with personal hygiene.

i'm only allowing myself to go every other day without washing my hair.

instead of, you know three or four days...

i'm also making more of an effort 

to regularly shave my legs.

for some reason it's really important to me

to have smooth legs when i go into labor.

sometimes it's just easier to chill out on the toilet for an extra few minutes

because you know you're going to need to pee again as soon as flush.

i'm convinced they invented smart phones

for all the pregnant ladies who took five extra minutes of 

"just in case" time on the toilet.

on the same note,

how is it possible that i always empty my bladder

before hopping in the shower

and, without fail, by the end of said shower,

i need to empty it again?

what is the science on this?

i can go from not hungry at all 

to ravenous in 30 seconds flat.

that's when it gets scary.

like, 

GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD 

AND GIVE IT TO ME NOOOOOOW.

like, i scare myself when it gets that bad.

cory doesn't think i'm going to want to eat as much as i think i will after i give birth.

he thinks i'll be too exhausted from pushing a human out

and food will be the last thing on my mind.

the two things at the top of my list are currently:

a double-double animal style, fries and a shake

or all the sushi's and a shake.

either way, i'm getting a shake at the end of this.

wiiknd: eat all the turkey sandwiches & watch all the movies!!!!!

thanksgiving.

not enough stomach room.

never been kissed.

football.

comas.

too many leftovers.

"brissita, i don't want you to cook for days."

his & her chores.

black friday.

old navy = 50% off everything = baby clothes.

crab artichoke dip.

death to all the fence ivy.

baby swag shopping.

god bless gift cards.

christmas vacation.

sleepy tears.

copy nightmare.

overcoming timid tendencies.

tearful testimony meeting.

spicy jalapeno poppers.

"it's for the baby. hurry out baby!!"

laundry.

pacific rim.

another earth.

realization: final weeks as two.

real talk.

"can you just hold me?"

fourteen days.

cue internal freak out.