blerg.

i just want to hold my baby already.

this is the worst kind of waiting game.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

waiting has made me go crazy.

literally crazy.
and seeing how i'm a hormone-hyped pregnant woman
who just wants to see her friggin baby already,
the only natural thing to do was to visit
makemebabies.com.
the internet gods were kind to me and blessed me
with this little cgi angel with the most adorable hair.

not too shabby for the first time.

but, as adorable as those perfectly curled brown locks were, 

i had to keep going until that site gave a ginger baby.

somehow,

each baby i tried got cuter and less ginger.

i force-clicked the light complexion to up my chances

and got beautiful flower children instead.

frustrated, i decided to give the internet one more chance

to prove i would have a sweet little ginger babe.

this is what i got instead.

moral of the story:
if you repeatedly force the internet to make your dreams come true,
your worst nightmare will become your reality.
i'm hoping this isn't some sort of karma thing
and i end up with a gracie bell.
plz send prayers.

honesty strikes again.

here's the thing,

it's basically impossible not compare yourself to others.

and the internet makes all that comparing and pressure and stress even worse.

even if it's not intentional, it happens.

the other morning i had a bit of a breakdown.

i asked cory if i was a bad mom because i haven't been shopping for baby clothes every day

and the majority of the clothes i've purchased for her have been from thrift shops.

(try as i might, i have the darndest time paying for a $25 baby dress when i know i can get one that looks brand new and only have to pay $2.)

and i'm no where near done setting up her nursery

or finishing projects i started because i get overwhelmed and stressed and tired.

i feel like everyone is pregnant right now.

i also feel like ladies who still have five months* left until baby time

are completely done with everything.

closets are stocked.

diapers are purchased.

rooms are picture perfect.

crafts are done (and ridiculously professional looking).

headbands and bows are sewn, glued and waiting for fuzzy little baby heads.

and i'm just sitting here,

less than a month away,

blogging about my mountains of projects instead of tackling them.
*five months might be a slight exaggeration. 

last night cory said,

"if she comes tomorrow, we will be okay.

she has a place to sleep and the house is warm.

that's all she needs right now."

i guess he's right.

babies just want to be loved.

to be held. 

to be cared for.

and as much as i'd like to have everything ready for her,

i need to accept the fact that i probably won't.

i might have dirty dishes in the sink

and a kitchen floor that needs to be mopped,

but she won't care.

as long as we are there to hold her when she cries,

nothing else matters. 

all i can do is take it day by day

and try my hardest.

that's got to count for something.