blerg.

i just want to hold my baby already.

this is the worst kind of waiting game.

Δ   Δ   Δ 

waiting has made me go crazy.

literally crazy.
and seeing how i'm a hormone-hyped pregnant woman
who just wants to see her friggin baby already,
the only natural thing to do was to visit
makemebabies.com.
the internet gods were kind to me and blessed me
with this little cgi angel with the most adorable hair.

not too shabby for the first time.

but, as adorable as those perfectly curled brown locks were, 

i had to keep going until that site gave a ginger baby.

somehow,

each baby i tried got cuter and less ginger.

i force-clicked the light complexion to up my chances

and got beautiful flower children instead.

frustrated, i decided to give the internet one more chance

to prove i would have a sweet little ginger babe.

this is what i got instead.

moral of the story:
if you repeatedly force the internet to make your dreams come true,
your worst nightmare will become your reality.
i'm hoping this isn't some sort of karma thing
and i end up with a gracie bell.
plz send prayers.

what frightens me most.

i'm fairly traditional when it comes

to things that scare the living daylights out of me.

bears attacking me while i camp.

animals attacking me while i use a biffy while camping.

spiders.

anything creepy crawling on me.

heights.

being separated from my buddy while scuba diving.

snorkeling.

you know, normal stuff.

but the thing i am most afraid of.

the one thing in the world that shakes me to my core

and truly shows how 

shallow and selfish i am

is my legitimate fear of having ugly babies.

no one will tell you your child is ugly.

they will compliment the color of their eyes,

or the thickness of their hair,

or an article of clothing.

they'll even go so far as to say, 

"oh what a fun baby!"

but they will never look you in the eye and say,

"i don't get it. how did this happen?"

i know i'll love my brown ginger babies no matter what,

but i also know i will be blinded by love.

they'll all be perfect to me.

and herein lies our problem.

so please,

if i ever have ugly babies,

don't tell me.

call them fun.

say they have a unique laugh.

tell me they'll be smart one day.

save me from the truth.

i mean,

did you watch friday night lights?

there is no way coach taylor and tami taylor

would have everrrr made a gracie bell.

and if they're not safe,

who is?

moral of the story:

i am a horrible person.