Wednesday, December 18, 2013

a list of questions/statements family, friends and (especially) strangers should avoid asking pregnant ladies.

i am currently two days over my due date.
sorry i'm not sorry if this post comes across as snarky
and probably graphic.
i am losing all tact and decorum. 
i'm anxious to hold my baby
and completely terrified of the process i must go through
to get said baby to this world.
so,


"make sure you have lots and lots and lots of sex if you want that baby to come out." 
thank you lady from target i have never met before.
oh and thank you for explaining why it's good for me to have tons of sex.
i'm sure everyone else in the checkout line appreciated too.
and a big shout out to literally every adult in my family
for telling me the same thing.
and for the love of pete!
can everyone please.stop.winking when they tell me to get laid?!

 an insincere, "how are you feeeeling?"
we all know you're just asking if i've had any big contractions yet.
no. i haven't. leave me alone.

"have you had that baby yet?"
seriously? don't you think i would have told you by now?
leave me alone. i hate you.

"make sure you get those blue disposable bed liners.
you will be bleeding for days.
especially when you go from lying down to sitting.
just blood, everywhere."
i may have cried after this fun fact was shared with me.
just when you think you're free,
the dam breaks forth and adult depends are a tempting option.

"how dilated are you?" followed by a quick, "hey! how are you doing?!"
hi. hey. i haven't spoken to you in eight months.
you don't get a free ticket to ask me this just because i'm pregnant.
how about we start this conversation over with some fake small talk
and then you can jump into all the personal questions
only my doctor asks me. 

"have you passed your mucus plug?"
because, gross. 
also, you don't need to know.
leave me and my plug alone plz&thnx.

i've learned people don't understand the 
"need to know" basis boundaries when someone is pregnant.
it's like they think anything is fair game.
this is my psa to remind them that
just because my body is changing and everyone can see it,
doesn't mean you get to touch my belly,
feel if my boobs are filling up with milk,
or ask personal, kooka-related questions. 

author's note:
no one has really touched my boobs to check on my milk supply,
but i feel like it's a totally legitimate thing that could happen to any pregnant lady.
PEOPLE ARE LITERALLY CRAZY.

disclaimer:
i don't hate anyone.
hormones n' stuff. 
man, i'm going to miss being able to use that. 

7 comments:

Alissa said...

You're a woman - you will always be able to blame things on hormones!

Also, I don't think I've committed any of those crimes. I think the only thing I've told you to do is to tell the restaurant you're ordering food from that you just had a baby, and hope you'll get free food.

If not, tell me where you ordered from, and I'll call from NY and pay your tab. I'M SERIOUS.

Krista said...

Brissa. Have lots of sex.

Just kidding!

P.S. Hormones are way way way worse right after having a baby. As in, there is a such thing as postpartum blues, different from postpartum depression. More than half of women experience it, including me and I had no idea. Mood swings, loooots of random tears, feeling like life will never be normal. Totally ok, and goes away on its own after a week or two or three. Just to prepare you. I thought I for sure had depression and was going to need severe medical intervention but nope, it's perfectly normal. If I had known, I think it would have been easier. So don't worry. Also there was lots of happy wonderfulness too. Not to scare you, it really will be incredibly amazing and the best thing ever. Love you.

elizabeth, elles, eliza, beth, etc said...

:( hang in there

meg bird said...

It shocks me to learn the things people seriously think are okay to ask another human just because that human happens to be having a baby soon. Blows my mind! Wishing you a happy birth!

Andrea said...

Ok, first of all, pregnancy makes people crazy -not necessarily the pregnant person themselves, but everyone they interact with. This is even more apparent with the comments you've shared in this post. Don't people know pregnant girls are extra sensitive??? Where's the filter people? Why are you asking pregnant people things you'd never talk about with someone who wasn't pregnant??? Sorry, lots of memories resurfacing.

p.s. you don't need to plastic cover your bed. Things will be a little rough for the first few days or so, but way less worse than people make it seem:)

p.p.s. You've totally rocked pregnancy. I'm so excited for you to rock motherhood:)

Tiffany @ Polka Dotted Cats said...

but...but...have you had that baby yet?!? FINGERS CROSSED!

Cassie Traasdahl said...

umm something that drives me NUTS too is all the unsolicited parenting advice people get once they've had the kid and/or the negative nancy that has to constantly remind you that things won't always be peachy (see: bleeding comment made to you. people SUCK). my friend posted that she was excited to be back in her jeans so soon after having her baby (which, i know, i know. whole different issue though) and people were commenting, "get ready for it to be NOTHING like that with your second kid" FIRSTOFALL, everyone's body is different and we have no idea when anyone will fit back into their jeans and also shut up because you're annoying. you know? anywaysss i think i might be too excited for your little one to finally make her appearance buuuut really i can't wait!