honesty strikes again.

here's the thing,

it's basically impossible not compare yourself to others.

and the internet makes all that comparing and pressure and stress even worse.

even if it's not intentional, it happens.

the other morning i had a bit of a breakdown.

i asked cory if i was a bad mom because i haven't been shopping for baby clothes every day

and the majority of the clothes i've purchased for her have been from thrift shops.

(try as i might, i have the darndest time paying for a $25 baby dress when i know i can get one that looks brand new and only have to pay $2.)

and i'm no where near done setting up her nursery

or finishing projects i started because i get overwhelmed and stressed and tired.

i feel like everyone is pregnant right now.

i also feel like ladies who still have five months* left until baby time

are completely done with everything.

closets are stocked.

diapers are purchased.

rooms are picture perfect.

crafts are done (and ridiculously professional looking).

headbands and bows are sewn, glued and waiting for fuzzy little baby heads.

and i'm just sitting here,

less than a month away,

blogging about my mountains of projects instead of tackling them.
*five months might be a slight exaggeration. 

last night cory said,

"if she comes tomorrow, we will be okay.

she has a place to sleep and the house is warm.

that's all she needs right now."

i guess he's right.

babies just want to be loved.

to be held. 

to be cared for.

and as much as i'd like to have everything ready for her,

i need to accept the fact that i probably won't.

i might have dirty dishes in the sink

and a kitchen floor that needs to be mopped,

but she won't care.

as long as we are there to hold her when she cries,

nothing else matters. 

all i can do is take it day by day

and try my hardest.

that's got to count for something. 

blah blah blah and cats.

i had every intention of writing a list

of things i have learned in all my years of life

that school could never teach me.

but instead,

i'm in freak out mode.

my normal self packs for trips a week in advance.

but here i am, the day before girls camp,

without a single thing in my bag. 

i don't even know who i am anymore.

i couldn't go to sleep saturday night because

i kept telling myself i needed a headlamp.

a headlamp is better than a flashlight 

especially when it comes to using the bathroom late at night.

i'm washing all our clothes

just so i can dirty them up with dirt and sunshine and sweat.

i'm only allowed to wear long pants

and i'm trying to convince myself leggings count as long pants.

my house is a mess.

i hate going on any sort of trip 

and coming home to a house that isn't spotless.

it sends me into a depressed panicky state. 

and while i'm grateful it has contained itself

to an area other than my face,

can someone please explain why

i'm getting ridiculous bacne at the age of twenty-three?

oh, i forgot the best part.

we leave tomorrow.

at 5:30 am.

halp.

life is winning right now. 

proof is in the pudding.

when i searched "sad cat," i found this.

the internet knows how much i hate him. 

stop trying to ruin internet katz for me!

documentation.

 mascara was everywhere.

wiped across my shirt,

tattooed on my arm,

smudged under my left eye.

my red nose matched 

 the thin red line that framed my swollen lips.

that's what happens when i cry.

my lips get bigger and everything turns red.

there is no hiding my emotions.

ever.

i worry.

it's what i do.

i worry too soon,

i worry too much,

i worry to the point of tears.

sometimes everything can be too much

 and lately, 

"sometimes" seem to come around all the time.

praying for a break

 in these back-to-back obstacles is useless.

not because i think my prayers will go unheard,

but because i know there is something i need to learn.

it's a learning game.
it's a waiting game.

it's a faith game.

i get it, i really do.

i know later on i'll be grateful for these experiences

and the lessons i learned.

i know these moments will make me better.

they will make me a stronger, more patient person.

i get it.

but later isn't here yet. 

and right now, 

i wish it were someone else's turn to bat. 

sidenote[s]:

i understand that someone is always up to bat. 

i'm not alone in this trial crap-fest.

but when you're in the moment, stuck in the middle of all this stress, you feel like the only one.

selfishness at it's best. 

also, i hate baseball. 

please don't ask why i chose to make that analogy. it's simply the best sport to relate to life. 

bats, bases, home, strikes, tight pants...

it just works. 

magic messages

sometimes days suck.

like really.

the kind of sucky days where all you want to do is give up on everything,

crawl into bed, read, pray for rain, 

and talk to someone who will magically make it all better.

and on those days

when you think nothing can make you smile, 

you get an email from your favorite person with the subject,

"just a little something to get you through the day,"

and this as the message.

and suddenly your day is less grey

and smiling comes easy.

thank goodness for ryan gosling.

thank goodness for meme's.

thank goodness for the inventor of ryan gosling meme's.

thank goodness for people knowing exactly what you need.

take me ryan.

i'm yours.

for.ev.er.

countdown to sanity.

one paper.

one final.

one write up.

then i can paint my nails,

drink candy cane hot chocolate,

and catch up on thursday night television.

but for now there's going to be a lot of this:

 study and cry.

study and die. 

fact: everything good on facebook surfaces during finals week.

hollerrr.

brb.

finals are 

taking over

my liiiiifffffeeeee.

ttyl.

excusez-moi.

i'm up to my eyeballs in projects at work.

really, really tedious projects.

like "formatting ten chapters of a book

for monday morning" tedious.

especially because everything has to line up perfectly.

so you'll just have to 

for not being interesting/here these next few days.
xoxo
gossip girl 
brissa.

back&forth

i felt like this past week was a spring break of sorts for me.

aside from my homework suicide on monday,

i haven't really touched the stuff.

it felt good.

i needed a break.

but now i'm going to kill myself this week with everything i have to do.

don't you hate it when the world decides to slap you in the face

with mountains of "to-do's" that just can't be pushed back?

wheeell children,

i hope your week ahead isn't too hectic.

and if it is, hang in there, you can do it.

and if you'd like, we can get together and discuss our hectic lives

over a cup of a "simply {something}" beverage.

lemonade has been my favorite, but apple is good.

and lemonade with raspberry?

nectar of the gods.