why can't the nineties stay dead?

during one of my

recent online window-shopping binges

i came across this lovely ensemble.

as this imaged burned my eyeballs

and permanently stained my brain,

i fell to the ground, 

curled into the fetal position 

and began whimpering.

my greatest fear has been realized.

denim.jumpers.are.back.
heaven help us. 

sorry, i just threw up.

today i saw the one of the ugliest things possible.

silver.

glitter.

sequined. 

uggs.

{picture this but silver}

it was like a disco ball for her feet.

how dare she take something as sacred as the disco ball

and put it on her revolting feet.
just because oprah loves them doesn't mean you have to too. 

i can't even talk about it right now.

stupid zoob*.

*definition two for those of you who don't already know.  

don't you feel educated now?

SELL-OUT

i never thought i'd see the day.

but my trusty youtube treasure has gone mainstream.

how could you keenan?
this is just too much.
editing...
representation...
endorsing earbuds...
?!?!!!
you used to be able to pull off the whole
"oh i don't know the words so i'll shimmy and head bob instead" thing.
but not anymore.
i can no longer support or endorse you
now that you think you're too cool for school.
farewell mr. cahill.
youtube me when you and your ego have come back down to earth. 
but as for right now,
i just wanna punch you in your stupid blinged out face.
 sell out.

god bless america.

stop what you are doing.

go to this website.

trust me.

i think i found a new favorite.

i also think i need to throw up.

post edit: i can't stop looking!!!

gag me.

ew.

ew.ew.ew.

**WARNING** 

i have no problem punching you in the face if you own a pair of these.

seriously.

most hideous pair of "thong flat sandal boots" ever.

and yes, that is their real-life birth name.

saaay whhhhat?!!

sometimes i open my door, look outside and lose faith in mankind.

i meeaaann...rreeaallly?!!

a gangsta utah hoodie?

bless his heart he's trying so hard...

if any of you know this poor unfortunate soul, or anyone who owns a jacket like this,

please, help them.

it's your civic duty. 

satan's onions are red

...just like his panties...

Today I decided to put the red onion my mama bought me whilst I was home over the break to good use.  

Since I was craving a red onion and tomato salad I decided to make one.  The idea sounded really good at the time.  I was excited during the slicing and dicing process and even the first few bites were delicious.  But all the sudden my beloved red onions decided to attack!!  The assault was definitely pre-planned.  The evil little layers congregated in one giant purple mass on my innocent spoon and cheered on their way down to my poor unsuspecting tummy. 

Suddenly.  I didn’t feel too hot.

The only way I can describe the ruckus going on in my stomach is to liken it unto a woman pregnant with a ninja.  

My stomach felt like a oniony tornado and my esophagus was burning because of evil onion-ninja kicks. 

Don’t worry kids.  I didn’t toss my cookies.  But I have vowed to not eat onions for a little while.  My poor little estomago can’t handle the betrayal again.

Curse you satan onions….curse you!