Mental snapshot.

Yesterday we had the target ultrasound for our sweet little boy. A target ultrasound is where they really focus on looking at his development. They check his spine, heart, brain and fluids to make sure everything is progressing the way it should. Everything looks great and from the 3D ultrasound we got, he looks like a perfect mix of Jude and Ezra. Oh, and he yawned. He yawned and it was the cutest thing in the world.

We took Jude and Ezra and made a day of it. I'm sure people thought we were crazy when they saw a pregnant lady holding hands with a 1.5 year old followed by a dad holding a nine month old. In fact, I know they thought we were crazy. When our tech asked which pregnancy this was and I told her my third she said, "Oh! Oh, so...they're both yours." Her eyes got reeeal wide when I told her their birth dates and she realized all three are December babies born one year after another.

Before I got up on the exam chair, I settled Jude in her seat next to Cory and Ezra. I told Cory her tablet was in my bag in case she needed some technical sedation. Before I was able to hop onto the chair, Jude started climbing off hers saying, "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" She crawled onto the chair next to mine and rested her head on my chest for nearly the entire ultrasound, like she was protecting me. When we saw his face on the screen she perked up and said, "Baby!" I showed her his eyes, nose, mouth, arms and legs and she repeated after me and pointed to those parts on her. She kept saying "Mommy baby belly." A few times during the ultrasound she turned to face me and gave me lovey eyes, smiled and patted my chest. It's like she was making sure I was okay and letting me know she was really happy.

Not to be outdone by his big sister, Ezra reminded us he was there too with his squawks. Ezra's squawks cannot be ignored. He does them when he's happy and he does them when he's mad. The only way you can tell the difference is by looking at his face. He had the biggest, goofiest smile and shook his arms and legs so we knew he was happy. It's equal parts adorable and ridiculous and there is literally nothing we can do to stop it. He doesn't offer any warning prior and by the time you realize what's happening you're deaf in one ear. It wasn't the most relaxing ultrasound I've had, but it was my favorite. I loved that plans fell through and we "had" to bring our babies along. I love how well-behaved they were. I love that they got to see their baby brother. I love how they turn the simplest moments into the sweetest memories.

I was so worried after we had Jude that I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved her. But with each pregnancy, I find that my heart grows along with my belly. Parenthood is such a beautiful thing. I've never been in a situation where I have to figure everything out as I go. I surprise myself with the things I swore I would never do that I'm doing (re: a baby tablet) and the things I thought I'd do that I'm not. Raising these children is the most wonderful and noble thing I will ever do with my life. I am so grateful to Cory for choosing this life with me. For not shying away from this baby army we're building and for jumping in with all his heart every time I get two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Heaven knows I couldn't do this without him. Especially when we have back-to-back days of poopy bathwater and crusted oatmeal hair.

Another dip on that roller coaster of feeeeeeelings.

This pregnancy has undoubtedly been my most emotionally stable one. I rarely find myself crying because clothes don't fit or I'm scared to bring a(nother) baby home. Pregnancy and its emotions have become my norm. And if we're being completely honest, I'm more worried about how I'm going to handle not being pregnant for a while. Feeling so grounded and confident has been such a blessing this go-around, but it also makes days like today really, really hard.


I just want to sit and cry all day long.
I have to eat but nothing sounds good.
The jeans I ordered are a size too small.
My other jeans ripped because I was constantly pulling them up because they were a size too big.
Leggings are too hot.
Ezra just went down for a nap and Jude hasn't taken one yet.
The internet is being crazy slow so I can't watch ANTM.
Pregnancy dreams are so vivid and real and awful.
I want to go out, but sometimes the thought of going out with both kids is more overwhelming than the actual act.


It's a weird mixture of feeling nothing and feeling everything and not knowing how to explain it because you really can't grasp it unless you've felt it. Nothing is technically wrong, but my heart hurts. It's aching, really. And I don't know how to fix it because tomorrow I'll wake up and my heart won't be heavy and my mind won't feel sad. Everything will be okay. And that's what makes these tears so frustrating. Because if nothing's wrong and nothing hurts and nothing's broken, why do I feel so small?

#widn

strange as it may sound, i often feel left out when i don't get tagged in a #widn on instagram. ridiculous, i know. it's almost like a get a flashback to fourth grade when we'd play 'popcorn' while we read from our textbooks and no one would call on me. i always wanted to get called, it just rarely happened.

so, here i am, tagged for the first time in my life by two separate people who want to know what i'm doing now. and can you guess what i've done with this golden opportunity? absolutely nothing. because that's what i'm doing. judie-girl is sick and snotty and snuggly and sweet. we spend our days watching daniel tiger or pooh's christmas or mickey's christmas (or any christmas cartoon on netflix) and snuggle and play when she's feeling up for it. i've barely taken a picture on my phone since last saturday. our days are calm and our nights are peaceful. 

cory and i have started putting our phones away when he gets home from work and it's been wonderful. it kind of makes me wonder why we didn't do it sooner. we are more invested in each other, in our conversations and, especially, in jude. she gets our full attention and she loooves it. after dinner, cory and jude will play in the living room while i clean up. laughter and clanking dishes have become the anthem of my evenings and i love it.

so, i guess that's what i'm doing. nothing and everything. everything in life and nothing online. i haven't posted a 'gram in three weeks and it's kind of ridiculous and kind of stressful, but, honestly, who cares? i have been spending more time with my family and working on our home and pressuring cory into bringing home the christmas decorations before thanksgiving. it doesn't sound like much, but it fills my days and my heart.

but, i guess to answer the question, i'm mostly just trying to ignore the fact that in F I V E W E E K S we will be bringing another sweet baby into this world and into our home and into our hearts.

you guys, five weeks is nothing and it's absolutely terrifying.

lololz to my non-relevant pictures from october.

one day i'll remember how to blog.

but probably not. 

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it was 9:13
the sun had set and the sky glowed that familiar dusty blue
that comes before night falls.
cory brought a sleeping jude into the room to be swaddled.
i shut the laptop and he asked me what i was doing.
"writing."
and even in the dim light,
i saw a faint smile cross his face.
i wrapped my little girl up
and he put his hand on the slope of my neck and whispered,
"i love when you write."

and that's why i do it.
because as long as he believes in me
and in my words and in my ability,
even when i don't,
it's worth it.
because he makes me better.
because he makes me strong.

as i cried, the weight lifted.

yesterday i left a job 

i hated.

i said goodbye to a place

i felt unappreciated.

i emptied drawers

that had been collecting self-doubt.

i turned in my key

and cashed in unused vacation days.

i got in my car,

rolled down the windows, 

blasted this song on repeat

and cried the whole way home.

i cried because i did it.

i took a stand

and finally said "enough!"

i cried because i realized

 it's okay.

it's okay to quit something that destroys you.

it's okay to be proud of yourself for quitting.

it's okay to be free.

it's okay to be appreciated.

it's okay to take time and figure life out.

it's.o.kay.

and for the first time in six months,

my traditional after-work-tears were happy.

my soul smiled 

and i felt free.

five years late.

my nails have finally reached that 

"perfect chip" pattern

all the cool girls in high school had.

i cannot tell you 

how many times i would purposefully chip my nails

to try and get the perfect "top to bottom" ratio.

i guess i thought my cool chips would get noticed

and skyrocket me into popularity.

it didn't work.
drama geek 4 lyfe.

remember, remember the fifth of november.

i wore my black and white striped shirt.
it was 3/4 length with three little buttons on the side.
i wore my dark jeans with my cognac boots.
i hesitated wearing them because of the heel.
khyrie pushed me to wear them.
"if he's not taller than you in those boots,
he doesn't deserve to date you.
wear them."
wise words from a wise woman.

i was writing in my journal
when i heard a knock at my door.
my heart jumped.
i grabbed my grey coat and black purse,
checking my face once more before i left.
everything looked okay.
breathe.
breathe.
i answered the door.

initial thoughts:
cute. ginger. good smile. good style. good height.
he handed me a flier from my door.
i took the thing and literally read it.
i didn't realize how long it had been
until he said, "uuhhaare you ready?"
awkward.

we walked to his car.
he opened the door.
melia and john were in the back.
after we said our, "heeey's" and i buckled up.
we drove to campus, parked and headed in.
i think i walked too far ahead of him.
mom and khyrie always tell me i walk too fast.
we just couldn't get a  good walking rhythm.

we stood in line for the diwali festival and talked.
we sat down and talked some more.
i wish i could remember everything we covered,
but i can't.
it's kind of a blur.
i do remember talking about
fourth grade, arrested development,
the awkward pda couple on the other side of the table,
moustache raj and the horrible emcee's.

he was funny.
like, really funny.
but it was the smart kind of funny.
the kind i had to worry about because if i laughed too much,
he'd think i was one of thooose girls
and drop me like that.
apparently i played it a little too cool because,
according to him,
i rolled my eyes a lot.

but i promise i laughed.
at his jokes, at his wit and his quickness.
it was refreshing.
i can't tell you how proud i felt
when he laughed at my comments.
and when he touched my arm?
oh.my.gosh.
the freaking arm touch melted me.

it was nine o'clock and i didn't want it to be over.
we tried to find the lanterns in the sky
but some backseat driving
steered us back to my apartment.

our first doorstep scene
was one of the most awkward ones of my life.
shaky laughs,
awkward silences,
and not a single hug was given.

i thought he hated me.

he thought i hated him.

thank heavens for melia.

if she hadn't told him i was hard to read

or told me he said i was cool,

we might not have happened.

lucky for me he didn't give up.

even after i "didn't move" 

when he came in too hot for that first kiss.

or when i told him i loved 30 rock

and didn't care for college football.
lucky for me he stuck around. 

a year ago today,
i met my favorite person.
a year ago today,
my life changed forever.

screw that vendetta,
november fifth is my day.