Friday, August 14, 2015

Another dip on that roller coaster of feeeeeeelings.

This pregnancy has undoubtedly been my most emotionally stable one. I rarely find myself crying because clothes don't fit or I'm scared to bring a(nother) baby home. Pregnancy and its emotions have become my norm. And if we're being completely honest, I'm more worried about how I'm going to handle not being pregnant for a while. Feeling so grounded and confident has been such a blessing this go-around, but it also makes days like today really, really hard.

I just want to sit and cry all day long.
I have to eat but nothing sounds good.
The jeans I ordered are a size too small.
My other jeans ripped because I was constantly pulling them up because they were a size too big.
Leggings are too hot.
Ezra just went down for a nap and Jude hasn't taken one yet.
The internet is being crazy slow so I can't watch ANTM.
Pregnancy dreams are so vivid and real and awful.
I want to go out, but sometimes the thought of going out with both kids is more overwhelming than the actual act.

It's a weird mixture of feeling nothing and feeling everything and not knowing how to explain it because you really can't grasp it unless you've felt it. Nothing is technically wrong, but my heart hurts. It's aching, really. And I don't know how to fix it because tomorrow I'll wake up and my heart won't be heavy and my mind won't feel sad. Everything will be okay. And that's what makes these tears so frustrating. Because if nothing's wrong and nothing hurts and nothing's broken, why do I feel so small?


Kari said...

You are the strongest women ever. Sometimes tears are all we really need. I hope you feel better and get some Ben & Jerrys!

meg bird said...

honestly, that sounds like just about the most frustrating combination of feelings and situations ever. have I mentioned I think you're incredible?

kyliebrooke|s said...

all the hugs to you today.
also, i love that you've been writing more. keep doing that bc you are good good good at it.