Friday, June 20, 2014

how do you soothe a crying baby
when you yourself are crying uncontrollably?

last night, i locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
i let out my worries, my doubts, my why's.
my whispers filled the small room and kept me company.

i can't do this anymore. 
i can't keep comparing myself to others every day.
i can't waste any more time staring at a little screen.
i. just. can't.

i'm experiencing what lana likes to call
a summertime sadness.
no matter how much i smile and laugh and tell myself i'm fine,
my heart stays sad and heavy and hurt.
i can't fake my way out of this one.
these two are all that matter.
they are where i need to be focusing my attention.
well, i guess i am where i need to be focusing my attention.
because what good am i to anyone
if i keep breaking down in my bathroom,
or my drive way,
or the church parking lot?

i made the decision (again) to cut out social media for the time being.
facebook + twitter + instagram = done.
i thought long and hard about doing the same with my blog.
it's not like i'm even really here anymore, anyway.

but later that night,
when i finished crying and after cory hugged me whole,
he said,
"brissa. you need to write again. i miss it.
you're a writer. it's what you do."

and those simple words hit me right in the heart
and cracked it just a little bit.
because he's right. 
because it's who i am.
because in sixth grade i told the mom's putting together the yearbook
that when i grew up i wanted to be a writer.
not author. not journalist. not editor. not anything.
just a writer.

and then i realized,
i'm the only thing holding me back from doing just that.
i just have to write.
it's who i am.
it's what i do.

so i guess i'm coming back to my roots.
to what i know and who i am.
i'm hoping that cutting out all that other fluff
and focusing on writing will help me find myself again.
i almost always find myself in words

author's note: 
my only regret about doing a social media fast
is i just got my tv club up and running.
there is so much drama to discuss.
it's amazing what good trash talking reality tv can do for the soul.
but i'll just have to wait and come back with an arsenal
of andi gifs and quotes and duck faces. 


Andrea said...

Girl, I feel ya. At least when you broke down at church, it was outside. I was full-blown bawling in sacrament meeting last Sunday. I'm just hoping everyone chalks it up to rampaging pregnancy hormones (maybe it was?). I wish I knew how to better prevent these things, but like you said, our families are all that really matters, so keeping our focus there I'm sure can only help. And I love that you are going to keep up your writing. I think I'm similar, but with art. Keeping a creative outlet/using your talents can be so therapeutic. Loves

Elizabeth Baier said...

okay, how can we keep tv club while you are off social? google doc? or do you just need a break from everything? feel better! xo!

Crystle Ardoin said...

You're not alone. Motherhood is DIFFICULT! As long as you shake off those weak moments, and get back in there, you're still doing great.

Krista said...

You go girl. Being in the world sucks sometimes. I'm glad you know what is really important. So, this has nothing to do with anything really, but I feel like you should read it. You know, instead of Twitter. :) I will miss you there though, I can't lie.

Susanne said...

The very worst type of sadness is the sadness that's kept inside. It's eating you from inside, taking away your soul little by little. The sadness needs to get out. Share. Speak. Cry out loud.

Don't worry about what are people gonna think. It's okay to feel.

No regrets. You need to get the bad out, so it doesn't take up space for the good that's coming.. tough times don't last, tough people do and you're strong enough to get throught this :)

Kari said...

I'm wish you better days. You are so sweet and hilarious and you truly are a gifted writer. And if you do get back to the tv club -- I'm so in.

Shambray said...

I love you blog! You are so talented! So keep writing and I am totally serious about having a pity party together. We will finish it off being positive though. I promise!

Anna said...

I'll miss your hilarity on the ol' social media life suckers, but I get it, of course. I'm with Cory. I religiously read what you put out and I'd love if you put out just a little more (you know what I mean).

That picture is just too much to handle for me...she's just too cute.

Ur gr8 Brissa! Don't forget it!

Megan Thorne said...

sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do! I think this is so exciting and I can't wait to hear what you've got to write :) you're awesome. just saying.

Jessica Wray | PEONY said...

You are a writer. I always love your words. I admire your ability to step away from something that is negatively affecting you. All to often we continue with habits despite how they make us feel - like some kind of sick addiction. You'll be strongly missed, but I wish you well in your social media cleanse.

Big internet hug!

ashley. said...

seriously loved every single thing about this post. thanks. a million times over.
p.s. i miss writing too.

Ashley said...

Hello Love!

You are doing the right thing. Comparison is the thief of joy, and unfortunately FB, instagram and all of that makes it seem like everyone is shiny and happy. What's great about blogs is that you can find real blogs amongst the fake ones :) I've been having a TOUGH year. You are NOT alone.

A quote from a book I am reading about being nice to yourself during tough times:

"If you're miserable, there's nothing really wrong with that, but if you're hating being miserable, then it's hell. If you're miserable and not hating it, you'll probably move through it pretty quickly. Experiences do move along quickly when we're present and not resisting."

Heart you, and you WILL get through this phase.

Ashley said...

Oh, and one of my posts on depression. Gosh, I hate that word, but there it is! Sometimes we gotta face these things:

Ali Kirk said...

Hey so...sometimes I miss your blog for awhile and then I ready a million entries in one sitting and that sitting is now.

I've been off facebook and twitter for a few years now and its AWESOME. Got tired of all of it and never looked back.

You're still in the ol' Utah, amaright? Wanna like...hang out or whatever? Hit me up for reals.