Wednesday, March 27, 2013

24 to 48 hours. that's what they said.

my abuelito is in the hospital.
my 95 year old grandpa
who talks like he's in the mafia,
blasts his music like a teenager,
and cheats at blackjack,
 is sick.
he's sick
and he's not getting better.
i'm afraid if he goes,
the floodgates will open
and heaven will call all my favorites 
home.

i'm not ready for this.
i'm not ready for death to start playing.
i'm not ready to say goodbye.
it feels selfish of me to keep saying "i"
like i'm the only one that hurts.
and it's unfair to focus on future losses
that shouldn't even be thoughts.

but that's what death does.
it knocks and knocks 
and forces you to listen.
 it rips open your heart and injects 
a fear that spreads like fire.
my mom,
my angel of a mother,
has been taking care of him
round the clock for over a year.
she is so strong.
she is so sweet.
she is so selfless.
i don't know how she does it.

watching my uncle cry,
listening to my mom and her siblings
talk to him about everyday things
like shaving or summer plans,
trying to convince him everything is okay
adds salt to the wound.
i never thought i'd think
95 is too young.
but it is.
it really, really is.

10 comments:

kylee said...

i've never been good in situations like this, i never know what to say or how to help. so just know that i am here for you and praying for you. it's moments like these that the gospel is perfect.

Shaylynn... a girl, a story, a blog said...

and I love you.

Kari said...

You are not selfish at all. You are human and real and deserve only happy things. I'm so sorry, Brissa.

Alex said...

I'm so sorry babygirl. I'll keep your family in my thoughts <3

Cassie Traasdahl said...

Brissa I am SO sorry. Kinda puts everything in perspective, huh? Like all of a sudden you realize what's really important. We've been told my grandpa is close to going as well (though they didn't give us that short a time frame) so I get it a little bit. My heart goes out to you! Prayers being sent your way (and to your mom and everyone).

Haylee said...

Brissa I'm sorry. So sorry, I don't even know what else to say, I just lost my grandma a few weeks ago so I know what you're going through. It's so hard and I know this is such a primary answer but you're going to see him again Brissa. You and your grandpa and your family all will be with each other again and it will be beautiful and no one will be sick or in the hospital or in pain.
You and your family are in my thoughts girl. <3

ayley said...

you are beautiful.

Ashley said...

A prayer for you, my lady. I know this feeling. 95 is too young.

Kelli Anderson said...

this is the sweetest post.

whatevergatsby.com said...

oh no! gah, i am so sorry, brissa. i am sending you and your abuelito all kinds of good juju and not-poopy hospital foods.