repeat.

i had every intention of getting to bed early tonight, but i can't stop from thinking.

i have this question that seems to be running through my head on repeat.

does too late mean forever?

sometimes i think it does.

one of my favorite scriptures reads:

"to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven."

i feel like that answers my question plain and simple,

but i've also had my dad tell me that it's never too late.

sometimes i can't help but wonder

if i could have done anything to make things turn out differently.

or...

was it supposed to end up this way?

do you ever wonder that?

do you ever wish you could turn back time and do something differently to change the present?

but does it ever scare you that even if you changed it for a little bit,

it would change again?

change to what it is now?

change to what it was always supposed to be?

i wonder if i'd want to know.

if i had the opportunity to go back in time and change things,

secure them in such a way that i know things would unfold the way i predicted,

would i?

part of my says that i would in a heartbeat.

just to have that sliver of a dream come true.

the other part of me is scared.

because what if after all that work and hope,

my little dream shatters?

which is worse?

trying to change a piece of your life or sitting by and blaming fate?

i think i would want to change it.

but then i think {if i wasn't successful} the hurt would be worse.

the pain would be sharper

and the suffering unbearable.

but isn't that life?

don't we need to hurt to enjoy being whole?

to realize what being complete really feels like?

knowing that what we thought was once the epitome of happiness 

was not even a fraction of what you now know it to be? 

either way.

i think i'd like to go back and shuffle somethings around.

because, honestly, i might have been successful.

i might have actually done something right.