some thoughts.

in october, cory and i attended a wedding dinner for one of my dear friends.
other than one friend, we didn't know anyone else at our table.
we lucked out by sitting with a group of truly wonderful girls.
by way of introduction, everyone went around the table and said what they did for a living.
cardiac rehabilitation specialist. physical therapist. physical therapist. nurse.
the pit in my stomach grew bigger with each job title listed.
by the time it got to me, i was flustered, intimidated and slightly embarrassed.
i reverted to my first grade stutter and the following explanation awkwardly made its way out.
"i graduated with a degree in journalism and worked as an office manager at a dental office,
but now i just stay home. cooking a baby."

i spent the rest of the evening asking myself why i felt the need to explain that,
even though i "just stay home" now, i did, at one point in my life, have a job.
why was i ashamed to proudly say,
"i am a stay at home wife and come december, i will be a stay at home mom"?
why was i embarrassed to tell those girls, those professional women, that i was living my dream job?

that night, accompanied by some serious ugly crying,
i shared my thoughts with cory.
i told him i wasn't ashamed of wanting to stay home,
but for some reason felt i needed to prove myself.
i felt like i needed everyone at that table to know
i was capable of doing more than "just growing a baby."

the next day i heard a talk that spoke directly to my heart.
this particular section spoke directly to my heart.
"a pernicious philosophy that undermines women's moral influence
is the devaluation of marriage and of motherhood and homemaking as a career.
some view homemaking with outright contempt,
arguing it demeans women and that the relentless demands of raising children are a form of exploitation.
they ridicule what they call "the mommy track" as a career.
this is not fair or right.
we do not diminish the value of what women or men achieve
 in any worthy endeavor or career-- we all benefit from those achievements--
but we still recognize there is not a higher good than motherhood and fatherhood in marriage.
there is no superior career, and no amount of money, authority,
or public acclaim can exceed the ultimate rewards of family.
whatever else a woman may accomplish,
her moral influence is no more optimally employed than here."

the timing could not have been more perfect.
those words were exactly what i needed to hear.
my heart was filled with so much love.
i realized i needed to take pride in my role as mother.
it is the only dream that has stayed constant.
my career goals have always been in constant rotation.

writer. teacher. doctor. actress. photographer. journalist.

despite my revolving door of professional aspirations,
the one thing that never changed was my desire to be a mom.

and now that i'm here, 

there is absolutely no other place in this world i would rather be.

i pick spit-up on an already dirty shirt over a gown at the oscars.

i pick headaches caused by crying babies instead of deadlines.

i pick band-aids over an operating table.

motherhood has not prohibited me from chasing after my dreams.

i know that one day i'll finish those three books i started writing

and finally figure out how to shoot in manual,

but right now,
i am exactly where i want to be.