Thursday, October 17, 2013

well, that escalated quickly....

warning:
i'm going to do that annoying thing
where i post a picture on my blog
that i've already uploaded to instagram.
i am officially 31 weeks pregnant.
i have been in the third trimester for three weeks.
google told me i should expect to gain an average of 
eleven pounds during these last few months.
god bless the holidays. 
speaking of final trimester weight gain...
i don't know how much i've gained this pregnancy.
i don't want to know.
i face my back to the scale at every appointment.
i've told my nurse to only tell me if my weight is hurting the baby.
it is one of the most freeing feelings in the world.
i have spent my entire life battling with body image issues
and for the first time in 24 years,
i can proudly say
i.don't.care.

i know my butt has gotten bigger.
i know my thighs are rubbing a little closer.
i know there are dimples in places that don't normally have dimples.
but i don't care.

it was touch-and-go there for a bit.
that first trimester nearly broke me.
there was something about looking bloated and not pregnant
that really rocked me and made me take a few steps back.
but here i am,
heavier and happier than ever.
i am grateful for this body.
for what it's capable of.
i am grateful for my big butt and thigh dimples.
i am grateful for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy mindset.

granted, some days are easier than others.
just because i have learned to love who i am now
doesn't mean i'm immune to that little voice
that weasels its way into the back of my head
telling me i'm too big, i'm too flabby, i'm not "perfect."
sometimes i give in. 
i let it tear me down, leaving me at square one.
but lately, i'm winning.
i'm shutting that sucker up and i'm owning who i am.
those are the days i like to remember.
those are the days that are slowly but surely taking over.

i love my little girl.
not just because she's ours,
but because of what she's helped me overcome.

early on i told cory i never wanted any of our children
to hear us talk down to ourselves 
especially when it comes to weight.
i was partly inspired by my realization 
that a healthy body image starts with my example

"don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter,
 or talk about your new diet. 
in fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. 
buy healthy food. 
cook healthy meals. 
but don't say, "i'm not eating carbs right now." 
your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, 
because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself."

that article changed my life.
as a wife.
as a parent.
as a woman.

the hardest thing to do is believe in your beauty.
but it is possible.
and once attained, incredible.

8 comments:

Krista said...

DUDE. That article! I'm saving it and reading it every day forever. Or at least occasionally forever.

So happy you are fighting the good fight and winning. :)

Mars said...

That article is amazing. I'v had my mom make comments here and there about losing 5-10 lbs and this and that when other people people were telling me I'm skinny. I'm grateful to be strong enough to not care what other people think of me and I know I'm healthy and not overweight but I can see how little comments can be so damaging. You look amazing and I'm happy you're come to love your body especiallly during pregnancy. Life is to be enjoyed, not for stressing about weight and not eating certain things. Everything in moderation!

Christina @ The Murrayed Life said...

perfect. sums up all we've been chatting about so well!

Emma Jane said...

You look gorgeous! I hate weight problems, especially because we all face them at some point in our lives. I'm in the middle of a body image crisis and it is zero fun but this post makes me feel better about all of that. Your last few posts have been so inspiring. Thank you for your wonderful words and for being the cutest pregnant person ever.

Em
Tightrope to the Sun

Kelli Anderson said...

this has inspired me to finally sit down and write about body image. i just feel preachy and not worthy to write about it because i feel like everyone experiences it so differently and could compare me and say i haven't had it bad enough or something. but yeah.

you rock for sharing about something so difficult in your life. your message is one that basically every human needs to hear.

alos, do you read much beauty redefined?

Shaylynn... a girl, a story, a blog said...

I will neither confirm not deny that my mother was incredibly hard on me for being so thin when she was overweight.

I hear you on this. it's incredibly important. it's also incredibly important that my mother not see this comment, ever.

Lillie Nguyen said...

i don't mind because i think this picture is flawwwwlessssss!!!

Shelby said...

uh, that article is AMAZING!! my word, thank you so much for sharing that. it is kind of perfect! and girl, you are freaking GORGEOUS!! like oh my goodness, can't even handle it. your little sweetie is so absolutely lucky to have a mother like you.